What Should I be doing 3

[sandi2]

I think that is about as good as you could expect from her. Just the fact she did not go to a separate room to sleep is a positive.

I am relieved that things went well. I think she is trying to reassure you, and at the same time tell you it will take a little time for her to get there.

I agree (based on your posts) that she doesn't seem as far gone as I was, so take that as a positive, too.

Don't let what I am about to say throw you for a loop. Since she is apparently cooperating and doing what you have asked, then you can start being more friendly and warm toward her. You can engage in conversations a little more. This is not the time to pull back. Don't smother her, and don't act as if you are breathing down her neck.........you don't have to be glued to her hip. In fact, she will need a little space at times. I am just saying that once the WW turns toward the M again, the H should not be cold, acting sulled or hurt, etc. When the couple reaches this place in the road, he needs to be a little warmer and more pleasant, more fun (if possible), but not over doing it. If the H over kills on his excitement and act as if everything is fine now..........it could cause her to pull back. She's like that skittish squirrel.

It is not easy for either one of the spouses who reach this point. Their is a lot of hard work ahead of them. One couple cannot gauge their amount of progress and time with another couple's progress. Truthfully, I was surprised that Coconut's W did not put up a lot more resistance, and if she had had to choose between him or the firefighting.......there could have been a different outcome. I am still concerned about the OM being there. The next few weeks will be critical.

Anyway, I suggest that you try to keep things light when at home with the family. In other words, don't allow the atmosphere to be heavy and serious all the time (as long as she's doing what she's suppose to do). You can engage in family togetherness and fun activities with her and son. Keep the interactions pleasant, friendly, and warm. Just stay alert and don't let your guard down.

I have to say, Coconut, I feel more encouraged about the situation than I've been about some others on the board. We will hope and pray together that she will have the strength to avoid OM. She will need your encouragement, affirmation, and a sense of teamwork between the two of you.

I would tell any LBH who is at this point in his situation (or really....at any point), to be careful during this time of her accountability that you do not appear as being self-righteous when interacting with her. You are not her judge or her parent. I think for some men, trying to present a picture of strength and firmness.......(while he's dealing with his own inner turmoil)........has to be watchful that he does not appear to be her lord or warden. Am I making sense?

For some WW's, she can sense very quickly if her H is "looking down" on her, or putting himself up a little higher than her. I have seen a few men in past years who had developed a self-righteous attitude. Several even told me that NOTHING was worse than cheating. Nothing??? I can almost guarantee you that a flare of rebellion will surely show itself if your W believes you feel better than her b/c you haven't cheated......and she did. Nobody is without sin!

I think men are so focused on securing the MR, and he doesn't deal with some feelings that try to surface. Many have discovered that after they reconcile he starts experiencing resentment, bitterness, and coldness toward his W. And..........sometimes the LBH becomes the WAH. Ironic, isn't it?

I encourage the LBH'S to get therapy or spiritual counseling, of they have these negative feelings. It is understandable how a LBS could experience these things, so just find help to work through it.

After reconciliation, I really believe the couple needs a good family therapist, or some source to guide them during piecing.