A Glass of Myrrlo

[Lyrael]

Hi, all -
I am doing some conisdering...first, a couple things that make me sad:
- No more spending time while H is at work playing EQ together; he quit playing entirely. I guess I got really comfortable with it.
- H doesn't make any effort to come home at a decent time, and all the old people that used to hang out at the shop (some of the girls included) are coming back.

I am not dwelling on these, but I need to get them out. 11pm is by far the most negative moment of my day, because it's when I start thinking about whether H will show up. Tonight I am angry that I care. I am angry that I allow my thoughts to steer me into a mental and emotional place I don't want to be in.

Truthfully, I have no idea what H is thinking when he doesn't show up until the wee hours of the morning. I know what I automatically assume he is thinking, and here it is (for purposes of considering):
1) I don't want to go home because Myrrh is there, and I am scared to tell her I don't like spending time around her.
2) I am having more fun here hanging out with these other people.
3) These girls are really hot...exciting...and they don't need anything from me!
4) I can't wait until I am divorced and free.

These thoughts that I imagine him having really hurt my feelings. It always hurts to love someone who doesn't love back, right? Well, that is what I always assume his coming home late means. And that is where I get into trouble, start acting clingy and calling a million times, or call Dustin and start a fight. Tonight I am trying to post about my fears instead.

I am very tired, so I am going to put on some jammies (yes, I still call them that) and crawl into the comfy bed, where hopefully I will fall asleep. I did lots of dishes tonight, and only called Dustin once for about 5 seconds around eight to ask if he had the car problem figured out. He said he did, told me the plan, I said okay and hung up.

No calls or IM's to him since then, but this late part of the night is the really tricky spot for me. Sometimes I make it this late, but then wake up around one or two or three and call the shop and ask where he is. I am trying to figure out a plan to deal with that if it happens tonight. Okay...if I can convince myself before I go to sleep that he isn't coming here, I should be fine. The anxiety only comes up when he says he is coming, I expect him, and he doesn't show up, I get worried and scared, but calling him seems to make things worse.

Would it really kill me if he didn't show up until 5 in the morning, or at all? It doesn't mean I did anything wrong. It doesn't mean I am bad or a less than special person, even if he chooses not to love me. *sigh* Well, I am planning on moving out, and he obviously wouldn't be there then. I have no problem dealing with it when I KNOW he isn't coming here. Hmmm...I still think I need a plan of action in case I wake up in the middle of the night. Sometimes I dial the phone when I am half asleep without realizing it. Maybe I should hide the phone before I go to bed? That seems kind of silly.
I know...I will move the clock. So I can't see what time it is. Then maybe I'll be able to go back to sleep without obsessing.

This really isn't about the appropriateness or acceptability of H's behavior right now - it's about me trying to get control over my response to it. I don't know how to not be terrified that he is cheating. Detachment is really hard work. I am just working on not letting him know how freaked out I am.

I HATE this. It is really hard, and I am going to keep doing it, but just for the record, I really hate DBing sometimes.
Hugs to all,
Myrrh
P.S. I am still doing it because I think it's worth it.