Mer (and slowly!)- Number One: That info from the Answers book (which my boss ordered, so I get to read at some point soon!) is both really helpful and outrageously frustrating. I did manage to be kind to him (I was posting my rant when he walked in the door). It was a rant. I had lost my temper completely. If I could pick out any one thing that just really irritates me about him, this whole coming home late/not calling would be the biggie. It plays into MY fears about cheating/lying - something else I need to consider.
Something that is interesting...I keep coming up against this same lesson over and over. Letting go of him: i.e. not nagging him by phone (pumkin, pumpkin, pumpkin) and not screaming at him when he isn't able to be where I need him to be when I need him to be. Sooo...how to adjust his behavior without issuing a consequence? Well, I guess to create an overall imprint of me and home in his mind that's positive, low-pressure, and comfortable. Well, hell, that will be frustrating to create. I can't wait to read that book - I think I underestimate how difficult it is to deal with the behaviors associated with ADD, not to mention understanding and knowing what they are.
I would really like to create a situation (ideally) where I spend a couple nights a week at our house, and the rest at my new apt. Our house is a lot closer to my work, so I think if I frame it in terms of conveniance, and can avoid being the needy/naggy/mean person, it will go well.
Look, I'm enrolling myself in Beginning Marriage 101! I don't need to call Dustin. I can leave him notes at the house, or e-mail him, or IM him. Most (probably 80%) of our fights are on the phone. Maybe I should just stop using it as a communication tool with him. That way I can CONSIDER (that darn word again) if I really need to urgently speak with him about whatever it is I need to address, or if it is something I should go mull over in my Considering Cave.
This sounds like a great plan - up to now, it something I have NEVER been able to do! I am going to have to trick my mind into behaving like I can't call him - should I pretend he is out of town for a couple of days, and that way every time he shows up, it will just be a wonderful surprise? Maybe I could pretend he went to that husband boot camp...hmm.
I am just going to let things be for a couple days until I get the phone stuff straightened out. Then there's my trip out of town later this week. I am so excited! It will give me some time to unwind and not worry about anybody for awhile - except ME!
It seems like I am going to be presented with this particular lesson until I learn it! Oh, btw - H and I had a lovely night relaxing together and snuggling, holding hands, etc - his initiation. I really love him. I really like him. This will get better with time, I am convinced! Hugs to all, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Goals for the next 5 hours: (yes, I need to keep myself under control that closely) 1) Do some freaking work! 2) Don't contact Dustin. 3) Finish making my trip packing list.
Goals for the next 5 hours after that: (5-10pm) 1) Get the Munchkin. 2) Feed myself and the Munchkin. 3) Don't call Dustin. If i need to say something, grab a piece of paper and write it down, or IM to myself - yep, I am just that crazy. It' something about hitting that send button...in fact, maybe I will just pep-talk myself all day that way. No one will know...except you guys! 4) Do some dishes. 5) Have a glass of wine. 6) Get the munchkin in bed and do some reading.
The next 5 hours after that will hopefully be sleepy time. I haven't been getting enough lately. Just trying to hang in there in this precarious situation... Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
At one point - was it last night, or during our intense and painful discussion the other night, when I said something, and he said in this really awful, sarcastic tone "well, Myrrh, let's just stay together then" as if that was the most loathsome, stupid, crazy option, as if it wasn't even an option - I haven't heard anything so obviously D-oriented in a long time - that and him saying "I think so" when I asked him if he was sure about the D. These two little things are really making me sad.
Should I put him out of his misery, and not pay attention to him wanting to cuddle, be touched, ML, sleep with me, etc? Is it my obligation to move this forward for him, since he doesn't seem to be able to right now?
Wow, I need some input - really trying not to obsess about these things. Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
No No No! The obligation you have is to take all the tools given to you and use them! The books, the comments from him, the advice from your friends, etc.
I'm not saying you have not come a long way, because you have. You have looked directly at lots of things that you needed to look at, as painful as it was.
Go back to your goals. It just seems to me that you are slipping into a bit of the old Myrrh, and wondering why things are not getting better.
Remember that it takes lots of time to fix a lot of this stuff. Get into your apartment, and get comfortable with yourself for a bit. It seems to me that you really thought you needed that. You do! Your H does too! If you back off for awhile and give him space, it will BE O.K! I just get the impression that you are in too much of a hurry, and have an irrational fear that he will run off with someone new or forget about you if you don't somehow keep yourself fresh in his mind. Relax, Myrrh!
Don't rush to anything. You will feel different tomorrow. And the next day, and the next....
Sage is so on with her advice. You need to back off these discussion for awhile. There will be a time for them later. All you are accomplishing now is to upset yourself, push Dustin into I wanna D mode and the circle goes round.
Pattie
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
The No No No! was in reponse to your question as to whether you had the obligation to just give him the D. Not to Sage's post. Totally in agreement there!
Sorry I had to be off the chat and missed you signing off. I'll be on for a little longer if you want to start the chat up again.
I agree with Pam and Sage here.
Stop talking about the D and it will stop putting the idea in his head. He is obviously wanting to be with you, he just doesn't need to hear the talk of how bad things are.
Lay off the D talk, it will make you feel better too.
Hugs to ya!
Triple J
Things were different then. All is different now. I tried to explain, somehow..........
Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam)
Hi, all - I am doing some conisdering...first, a couple things that make me sad: - No more spending time while H is at work playing EQ together; he quit playing entirely. I guess I got really comfortable with it. - H doesn't make any effort to come home at a decent time, and all the old people that used to hang out at the shop (some of the girls included) are coming back.
I am not dwelling on these, but I need to get them out. 11pm is by far the most negative moment of my day, because it's when I start thinking about whether H will show up. Tonight I am angry that I care. I am angry that I allow my thoughts to steer me into a mental and emotional place I don't want to be in.
Truthfully, I have no idea what H is thinking when he doesn't show up until the wee hours of the morning. I know what I automatically assume he is thinking, and here it is (for purposes of considering): 1) I don't want to go home because Myrrh is there, and I am scared to tell her I don't like spending time around her. 2) I am having more fun here hanging out with these other people. 3) These girls are really hot...exciting...and they don't need anything from me! 4) I can't wait until I am divorced and free.
These thoughts that I imagine him having really hurt my feelings. It always hurts to love someone who doesn't love back, right? Well, that is what I always assume his coming home late means. And that is where I get into trouble, start acting clingy and calling a million times, or call Dustin and start a fight. Tonight I am trying to post about my fears instead.
I am very tired, so I am going to put on some jammies (yes, I still call them that) and crawl into the comfy bed, where hopefully I will fall asleep. I did lots of dishes tonight, and only called Dustin once for about 5 seconds around eight to ask if he had the car problem figured out. He said he did, told me the plan, I said okay and hung up.
No calls or IM's to him since then, but this late part of the night is the really tricky spot for me. Sometimes I make it this late, but then wake up around one or two or three and call the shop and ask where he is. I am trying to figure out a plan to deal with that if it happens tonight. Okay...if I can convince myself before I go to sleep that he isn't coming here, I should be fine. The anxiety only comes up when he says he is coming, I expect him, and he doesn't show up, I get worried and scared, but calling him seems to make things worse.
Would it really kill me if he didn't show up until 5 in the morning, or at all? It doesn't mean I did anything wrong. It doesn't mean I am bad or a less than special person, even if he chooses not to love me. *sigh* Well, I am planning on moving out, and he obviously wouldn't be there then. I have no problem dealing with it when I KNOW he isn't coming here. Hmmm...I still think I need a plan of action in case I wake up in the middle of the night. Sometimes I dial the phone when I am half asleep without realizing it. Maybe I should hide the phone before I go to bed? That seems kind of silly. I know...I will move the clock. So I can't see what time it is. Then maybe I'll be able to go back to sleep without obsessing.
This really isn't about the appropriateness or acceptability of H's behavior right now - it's about me trying to get control over my response to it. I don't know how to not be terrified that he is cheating. Detachment is really hard work. I am just working on not letting him know how freaked out I am.
I HATE this. It is really hard, and I am going to keep doing it, but just for the record, I really hate DBing sometimes. Hugs to all, Myrrh P.S. I am still doing it because I think it's worth it.
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
I am so excited! It will give me some time to unwind and not worry about anybody for awhile - except ME!