It's still me trying to care about her feelings, ease her into things. I know that I can't do anything about them tho. They are hers. But I'm trying to be considerate.
Oh and I finished that TM... Just cos you f-cking doesn't mean that you don't love him.
4 hours sleep down, I guess another half day unpaid is needed for the interview. God really does test a person. I will not fall. I will stand for what is right!
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
I'm pushing her out of the house so that I can be alone for the first time in my life. But I'm not pushing her out of my life or head.
I need to find myself as much as she does. Get my life in order, rebuild and then see what happens. By giving up on her, i'm not giving up on my M, i'm saying that I have no control, i'm giving her the space to find herself. And for me to find myself too.
Im having a lot of trouble reconciling all this. You say you aren't pushing her away. But you're forcing her out of the house.
You say you're giving her space, but you aren't. You're pushing her!
You say that you can't rebuild yourself with her around. I'm having a lot of trouble buying it.
I see your words. But your actions say another thing to me. It reads like you are hurt and angry and are punishing her for doing that to you. I don't believe space will inherently help you to detach.
If you're pushing her out, you aren't focusing on you.
But how do I focus on me. I must protect myself. I need to get away from her. She is clearly and blatantly cheating on me. I cannot live this life and she does not want to go.
I can move out with my Bro for a month like I suggested but I don't need a new perspective. My eyes are wide open. Remember too that I am not working on my M anymore, or a R, I am only focusing on what I want.
And what I want is to put the house on my name to protect myself financially. I want to experience my life without her in it for at least a year, cos I've never been alone before.
These decisions are made without emotions. What are my other options when I'm already focusing on me.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
As for rebuilding myself with her around, yes I can. I did it the entire wknd. But that was cos she could not run.
Now she's running to OM2 or om3 it turns out and my emotions are getting the better of me. Sandi would say, drop her and run. By getting her to get her own place, I am dropping her. Am I not?
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Im going to sum it up, you dont want the M, you dont want her, she is blatantly cheating on you. So why havent you pursued the D?
Are you done or are you hanging on to the M?
Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs 23Mar16-BD 9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss. 27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM. 14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation. 24May17-Divorced.
Yes, summed up well. I'm hanging on to a better me. A better me that can eventually get a D with no emotions, no strings attached. I don't want the M.
A want to be a person that was able to take stock of their life and let the detachment process play itself out.
The emotions are pulling me down, but I need to make sure that they don't influence my actions. That's my sole purpose here. I had a real bad night. There's going to be more. I'm gonna give up, fall down and pick myself up.
Not sure if it's masochistic but am I pushing myself too far?
Should I just not put the house on my name and D, then detach more.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Yes, summed up well. I'm hanging on to a better me. A better me that can eventually get a D with no emotions, no strings attached. I don't want the M.
A want to be a person that was able to take stock of their life and let the detachment process play itself out.
The emotions are pulling me down, but I need to make sure that they don't influence my actions. That's my sole purpose here. I had a real bad night. There's going to be more. I'm gonna give up, fall down and pick myself up.
Not sure if it's masochistic but am I pushing myself too far?
Should I just not put the house on my name and D, then detach more.
Ill be honest DDJ, none of that make sense to me whatsoever. Your actions and your wants don't line up. Its sounds like you are hoping to get a different result from doing the same thing over and over again.
Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs 23Mar16-BD 9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss. 27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM. 14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation. 24May17-Divorced.
Maybe someone else can articulate it better than me and i dont want to seem pro-D cause im not but you are trying to push her out the door.
I guess the question is if you looked inside yourself now. Whats is it thats stopping you? I dont think its the Zen reason you mentioned up there.
Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs 23Mar16-BD 9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss. 27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM. 14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation. 24May17-Divorced.
Do your thing.