I know how badly you want the how's and whys of everything your wife did and is doing. But it's not going to help you. You have to just deal with what you do have control over.
I know, I know.... I am trying to get there, and I am slowly. I think partially because I do understand most of it, it's just hard to accept. One of my FF's who doesn't know that much about my sitch said yesterday "hurting people hurt people." It's hard to imagine. I have felt vengeful at times, even toward W lately, but no way would I follow through with actions based on those feelings.
Originally Posted By: JujuB
If you knew for a fact that your wife was gone and your marriage was over, that there was no hope for reconciliation... what would you do? What could you do so that you would not repeat your mistakes in your next relationship? This is where your focus needs to be. Let your wife deal with her issues and you deal with yours. LBS work is not for getting spouse back. It's for moving forward in a way that is healthy for LBS. once they leave, the chance of them coming back is very small. And if they do, there is a big chance they will just leave again at some point in the future.
I am getting there slowly. And I was with you right up to the end, that they will leave again? I know it happens that they leave again, but I assume only when neither spouse has done any work, or if the LBS allows it too easily?
Originally Posted By: JujuB
It definatly does not. marriage is a committment and your supposed to work on it together. but she doesn't think this way. Only some of us do. Completely out of your control. You can't make her behave in anyway she doesn't want to, regardless of rational. Whoever is less invested in the relationship has all the power. your only shot is to disinvest in relationship and invest in what works for you.
Only partially true? Sometimes the WAW is fully justified, and left someone who was truly abusive? Part of my struggle is that the things I did wrong (the real things, not the ones she made up in the OFP), in my perception are minor, those same things in her perception are major.
Originally Posted By: JujuB
major red flag OFP. Why are you so scared of being alone for the rest of your life.? Why do you need her? That's not a reason to be with anyone.
Definitely the issue I am working on with the most effort. I was severely codependent, no doubt about it. I was having withdrawals something fierce, still am. This has been an issue for me since I was 15.
Originally Posted By: JujuB
I hope you don't end up one of those bitter divorced men either. It's not healthy and it's not attractive. And I understand exactly how you feel because I was mad and resentful and bitter for a really long time too. I almost feel like my anger was an obsession. GAL really helps. Appreciating the things I do have helped. I believe hypnotherapy helped me too with the obsessive thought.
