Sandi, but how does Coconut know that it's not temp-checking? This is all so confusing. He's trying to protect his broken heart and is just doing what comes naturally, pushing the hurt away - his W.
Based on what Coconut has said, I saw no signs that hinted at her temp checking. So far as we know, she has cooperated with what he required of her. He felt very satisfied that she was being truthful and gave a sincere apology. Then that night after going to bed, they cuddled. Could it have all been a lie? Sure, but at the moment he has nothing showing him that she is being deceitful.
She was not pushing herself on him. I did not see any action from him that indicated he was trying to protect his heart from her. At least, not that night she apologized. Remember, he was the one who decided he would remove the NC boundary, and said she was doing what he needed. It was later he wanted her to leave the MBR b/c he was anxious about the sex issue. He realized how tough it could be to sleep with her and her not wanting sex. That was probably him protecting himself. But it was not the correct staking make after she willingly did what he asked. Frankly, the fact that was responding to his body, seem positive to me. I can only imagine how confused she felt when he told her he wanted her to sleep somewhere else. He needs to prepare himself tonight, b/c she may decide they can't work through these problems. I hope not, but it's a possibility.
I am sure it must be terribly confusing when a LBS is trying to grasp all this information while under a lot of stress. One can't write it all out in a single post. My posts are usually too long, and people skip over some of it.
To sum this another way...........the H must take a stand. He is the lighthouse. She is out there in the waves being tossed around by her emotions. When she looks at him, she needs to see him standing tall and strong. He shines a beam of light to show her how to get back into a healthy MR. It is up to her to follow the lighted way or remain in stormy waters. When he tells her what it will take to save the MR, that is shinning the beam of light..........he is showing her the way back. It takes a great deal of strength to stand firmly and not crash under the strain. If the lighthouse is sending mixed messages.......well, you can see what a mess it could be.
Now, if the WW tells him that she will not end the A, or won't agree to NC, transparency, etc., then that is the time to ask her to sleep in another room......if that's what he wants. He should not do it if she is cooperating with what he has said he needs from her.
If at any point he should discover she has been deceitful, he can decide if he wants her out of the MBR. However, if the W is doing what he said it would take.........why would he turn around and punish her? That makes no sense at all.
As for protecting his heart, it has to come through detaching from the whole co-dependent, nice-guy traits........enforce boundaries, and stick to the transparency plan until she is completely over the addiction of the affair/OM.
It is not time to trust her completely. He can trust, but verify. As long as her words matches her actions and attitude......he can allow his trust to slowly grow. Right now, it is just too early. This is a critical time for both of them. He has to be alert and on guard. Most LBH'S I have seen, wants to hear her apologize and then they go to bed, have sex, and then he's ready for everything to fall back into place. Sorry, but it just isn't that simple and it takes a long time and hard work to survive this crises........and hope to have a successful MR.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
