From Unbowed: "I think "nice guys" can come in different varieties. For example, I don't believe I behaved purposefully at the level of nasty, ultra controlling behavior that Vanilla speaks of. I really do love and care for my wife.

But my behaviors, which were subconsciously designed to gain approval and were codependent, did harm me and our relationship. For me, I also lost my strength and identity in the face of a controlling women, who grew to see my kindness as weakness. Some of my kindness was to get credit to soothe my insecurities. But most of it was genuine love and caring."


Unbowed, I am so glad you are here. I really appreciate your input. Nice Guys come in all shapes and sizes, but you hit some key points. There are many, many men (and especially on this board) that are nice guys but may not be suffering from it. For those that are Nice Guys, there are varying degrees of it. I think Vanilla is describing one extreme and I think you are another.

So I want to tell you a little more about my recovering Nice Guy. He was raised by a very strict, overbearing, and emasculating mother. He learned at a young age that he needs to respect all women and that women are right. He was raised to believe that anything stereotypically masculine was bad. There was no sports for him, no popular tv/movies, and anything that had anything to do with sex was forbidden. This continued far beyond puberty and into adolescence.

His mother stayed at home and raised the children and his father worked a lot and was mostly absent. He did not have a male role model. He was disciplined harshly by her and any interest in sex or dating led to shaming. He learned early on in life to accommodate women and to put their need and feelings before his own. He often felt guilty and "bad" or that he was selfish as a child.

So my H has learned to be the perfect Nice Guy. Women love him and freely open up to him; this led to problems and ultimately the EA because he had no boundaries. I also think I lost respect for him and saw him as weak at times. He did not stand up to me, he did not initiate plans, and I was often frustrated because I did not get clear answers from him or know his opinion. I think I also became more controlling and took his generosity for granted. I felt that he was wonderful and would never hurt me or go anywhere.

Even though I was often frustrated by his indifference and not having a back bone at times, I very much loved his kindness and gentle nature. What I did not understand was that he was growing resentment, felt emasculated, and did not have any healthy outlets of his own. So the A was the ultimate expression of his passive aggressiveness and the selfish act that let him safely escape his captivity.

-Blu

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela