From Unbowed: "Finally, Blu, could you describe the difference between ignoring him (which made things worse) and leaving him alone (which helped). In my own 180s I struggle with the line between this."

Yes, I will try my best. This is something I see people confuse here often. I think we cannot take lightly what are intentions are verses are actions. I can only list my actions here, and lack there of, but the intentions can hold far more weight. We are so much more intuitive than we are able to give ourselves credit for. That is why I tell people to trust their gut, it will never steer you wrong. When I look back on the last 3 years and where I felt my H was at compared to where I wanted him to be--I could spend a long time reading here and self-doubting---but my simple gut feeling was right. Well the spouses have gut feelings too, so keep that in mind. Even if you think you are following the DB principles, if you are doing it only to show them, most likely their gut will know too.

When I ignored him it was to prove a point and show him I didn't need to respond and that I didn't need him: I would intentionally not reply to texts, emails, and called. When I ignored him, I wondered if he would notice that I was not responding. When I ignored him, I wanted to hurt him. When I ignored him, I withheld information he was asking for. When I ignored him, he felt that I was trying to hurt him (I was), and he felt incredibly frustrated. He was trying to "make nice" even while we were S, and I didn't give him that opportunity. He felt that he deserved this treatment, however it also hurt him, angered him, and pushed him away. I kept a wall up too, but only blamed him.

When I left him alone, it was also my personal choice to let him go and do as he pleased. This was harder and was not natural feeling. I had to put emotions on the back burner. These were the times I could DB at my best. I did not chase, pursue, or try and talk with him. I let him approach me--text, email, call, in person--but I did not turn away. I listened and I replied. But I also kept my personal boundaries. I didn't show him my anger, my emotions, and I was pleasant/cordial, but not for show. When I was able to DB at my best, I treated him like a neighbor; minimal interactions and investment (positive or negative), however if he reached out or asked me things, I responded. I kept it cordial, simple, to the point, and then I went on my way.

I think understanding the difference is key. I read some of the threads here and the poster seems as if they understand; then they give specific examples of interactions and prove that they are doing the opposite. It is all about intentions! Treat them like a neighbor--be nice, hold your head up, but do not spend much time on them.

-Blu

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela