One night -just one night with no more calls, no more interaction. And then tomorrow, packing up S to go to Daddy's house, and not breaking down in front of him, and not calling to make sure he picked S up, or that they are doing okay, or just checking to see that we still exist in the same universe.
It sounds maybe a little crazy that this is such a big deal for me...but it is a HUGE thing. HUGE. Like this big elephant sitting on top of my head. It doesn't even have anything to do with H's reaction to me leaving him alone - it has to do with me proving to myself that I can leave him alone, that even though I have control over nothing else, I will have taken back my control of ME. I will feel again as if I have a choice - maybe then I can consider whther I really want this M or not, but not until then. I feel trapped. I feel trapped in a stupid dynamic with my H that up to now I have felt powerless to change...and changing it is simply a matter of NOT. NOT picking up the phone and making that call, NOT IMing or e-mailing him if I don't absolutely need to, NOT letting him have every shred of my heart and soul that's left so I have nothing left for myself...
I don't want to feel like a victim anymore. Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
