I'm sorry in advance as here is the only place where I can say what I feel without being judged. A year ago I joined this forum in the hope that I'd be able to save my M, now a year on (and still on the roller coaster) I have finally understood that it was all about saving me. For the last few days things have started to fall into place and I see that I'm on a spiritual journey to rediscover myself.
It all started with my girly weekend for my friend's 40th. I didn't know any of her friends but they all made me felt welcome and we had such a great time. I had a great chat with my friend and I never realised how much she loves and cares for me.
Then it carried on by talking with a colleague who has just started to work for us and I don't know why we started to talk about God, the fact that things happen for a reason. After talking to her I finally realised that none of this is my fault ( I have accepted my part in it) and I'm beginning to show compassion to myself.
I have realised that I'm enough as I am and that H was part of my journey to become a better me. I still love him and at times I have a slight pinch in my heart but it isn't as hurtful as a couple of weeks ago. Have I finally let go? Maybe. I was depressed since birth of my first child and I was hoping that H could provide me with happiness but it doesn't work that way. It has only hit me recently that I'm the captain of the Rouky ship, not someone else. I think H's A was the wake up call I needed to take charge of my life and live it how I should be. If I had still been with H I'd have never been allowed to go away like that. I'm out for a stand up comedy tomorrow and for a meal the next day. And again I'd have never done that with him around. In the last 14 months I have been out more then I have in 12 years with H.
Interactions with H are funny. I never know what to expect from him, so now I don't expect anything. A couple of nights ago he came late and left earlier than usual, so hardly spent time with his kids, whereas the previous time he left later. Again tonight he left way later than usual and was on time! We managed to have a civil conversation about me moving and him offering some advice ( which I validated); he started to talk about his job, and I listened. He even asked me if I did transfer some money to him, and only that told me that H isn't his self. He knows what I'm like regarding finances and when I say I'll do something related to money it is done straight away! I'm under now illusion that he still leaves with OW, and even if I wished he was with me not her, he deserves to be happy and if she can make him happy I have to accept that.
I also have been on a couple of dates with no expectations and had a great time. I'm not in rush to enter another relationship and it's very enlightening for me to meet new people as I have always been shy and this is very out of my comfort zone.
Just need a final advice. I want to send a text to H to thank him for the advice he gave me today and I wanted to run it by you:"Thank you very much for your generous advice as I realise you had no obligation to do so". Any comments?
