If you think you may have some of the tendencies, I'd check out the book. There can be some tough truths exposed, but it may change your life for the better. Since we can't reference the title, you can probably figure it out by reading this whole thread.
I think "nice guys" can come in different varieties. For example, I don't believe I behaved purposefully at the level of nasty, ultra controlling behavior that Vanilla speaks of. I really do love and care for my wife.
But my behaviors, which were subconsciously designed to gain approval and were codependent, did harm me and our relationship. For me, I also lost my strength and identity in the face of a controlling women, who grew to see my kindness as weakness. Some of my kindness was to get credit to soothe my insecurities. But most of it was genuine love and caring.
My own nice guy behaviors did lead to distancing, because I did hide my true thoughts at times when I thought my opinions would not be well received and under the erroneous assumption that avoiding conflict was a gift to my wife as she became ultra stressed in her tough career. That behavior [/b]is[b] destructive, as I now know, but for me I wasn't exposed as a secret a**hole with a fake smile, I looked for reasons for why I failed with my wife, and found the book, which educated me to how us nice guys can fool ourselves. My life wasn't a fake construct, but when I wasn't honest, I was behaving like at a**hole.
Mine was the crime of lack of insight, and a lack of understanding and confidence that the best path to love and success is to own your mistakes, and face other people's disapproval, instead of hiding mistakes. And certainly cowardice at times.
I don't believe that all nice guys all behave in the same way, but if you feel like you give give give, devote your life to others (especially women), but feel like you don't get back the love you think you have earned, then you may have nice guy tendencies and may actually unknowingly be undermining yourself. It's true that nice guys generally do have a covert contract that if they treat everyone really well, then they will get that good treatment back.
And Sadhub, I've seen some of your other posts. And feel your pain, brother. Hang in there.
