Moving on down the road... I am going to my apt tonight. I proposed that H and I get together for dinner Wed night before I leave for my trip. Hopefully that will give me a couple of days to get my feelings back on straight and get some sleep.
I really don't expect to ever come back to the house to sleep. Maybe that's me expressing a boundary, or maybe it's my feeling that H won't want me to - I don't know. I do know I am tired of reacting to every single thing he does or says. I do NOT have the energy for that anymore.
Somebody pointed out to me that I look at what he says and does to try and guess his feelings/what he's decided, and that honestly he probably HASN'T decided. At the end of April it will be eight months since he left the first time. A lot of things have changed between us. Mostly for the better, in fact.
EVERY TIME I have a strong emotional reaction with H to anything he says or does, the poop hits the fan again. It doesn't work! For some reason, getting upset with him or at him only makes things worse. He moves far away again, and I ended up emotionally and physically exhausted and in pain. Do we feel a goal coming on? YES, WE DO!
Goal: To only interact with H insofar as I feel I can handle the attending emotions. Take a day for myself. Stop managing my M/R and just bow out for a day (tomorrow). I am going to let him have the responsibility of being a dad on his own, and just go home and do whatever I feel like doing - reading, watching TV, doing laundry, laying on the floor and bawling...whatever. I just need some time to simply be Myrrh - not "Myrrh reacting when H said this" or "Myrrh doing this because H did that." I just want to BE for right now. JUST BE. If I could get through ONE EVENING without calling H just to verify that we still exist in the same universe, I would count myself a tremendous success.
FACE THE FEAR! Hugs to all, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
