What Should I be doing 3

[sandi2]

I haven't posted in a bit, and tbh not sure I want to... I'm backing off my NC boundary consequence, maybe a bad idea but I'm comfortable that she is not communicating with OM, other than visually seeing him occasionally at the station.

I know, just back burner it for awhile till things calm down, go further underground, etc... I see it all coming, but I gotta tell you, I believe her 100%. For the last week or so she's been herself, she's always home unless at academy and we work together, I can't say enough that I don't believe they are communicating.

I gathered from what you were saying that you were kind of telling us to back off, b/c this is what you wanted....and decided, regardless of any advice you may receive.

Now, I do believe that something had to fill the void that was left open, but I believe the academy is doing that for her, we are closer than we've been since ILYBnilwy speech, we have a long way to go but I believe she is committed to working on our R.

Sandi, I have now read most of your sitch, and I kinda feel like you used this site to fill the void OM left in you, I feel like she's doing that with the academy, and I really believe it.

I have often said that the BB was my therapy. My H would not agree to attend MC, so I got it from the board. I guess you could say that in the beginning it filled a void.

After our talk this morning about search history, she discussed the A, how it happened (he started pursuing, she didn't stop him), the kissing (3 times after class, total 10-15 min talking/kissing each time), the interaction with OM since. Answered a few Q from me.. I told her that I was moving past it, and that was the last time I would bring it up, that for the first time I felt like she's been really open and honest, and I'm done letting it consume me.

I then laid down in bed next to her, and she cuddled with me (first time), and I mean she kept shifting herself to get in tighter, and I was finally able to fall asleep at 630am.

My world may come crashing down because of this, but I feel it's safe to move forward to start repairing, I will continue GAL, and working on detaching.

Damn, the ups and downs are real... Told W today that I don't want to continue sharing MBR...

Your timing could not be any worse than making this move at this time! Big mistake, Coconut. Look, she opened up and talked about the OM and apologized to you. You were gung ho about believing her and it didn't matter what anyone thought. You even said you were dropping the NC boundary. And now......when she is at her most vulnerable and needing her H's support while she goes through withdrawals, you have told her to leave the MBR?

Here is a situation I have seen played over and over again. The LBH is anxious to have sex with his W, b/c to him, it seals the deal...so to speak. It's his security blanket. He needs to have sex, for him to move forward in the MR. He has to have the physical connection before he can feel better emotional. The longer there is no sex, the more focused he becomes on that issue.

Women need to feel better about the emotional side of the relationship, first. She needs to feel the emotional intimacy in order to desire the physical intimacy. Seeing how polar opposite men and women are wired.....it's a wonder any babies were ever conceived.

You asked me about my situation and what I did to feel attracted to my H again. I think you were wanting to know how long before we were intimate again. I was going to give you an answer about it, but I think you would just compare your W and your situation to mine.

We were in a SSM for years, so having an A and me not having any desire for him did not help. And, now that I have read your latest post, I'll just tell you that it took much longer than you want to even think about right now. It was strained, felt fake, had disappointments, etc. And guess what else? His health took a big nosedive, and has not improved very much, sorry to say. So, yeah......it ain't easy. You would think it should be, but here's the thing. If a couple remains together, they are going to face emotional and/or physical issues. It's just a matter of time. The MR does not get easier when you grow old together. There will always be problems and challenges facing the couple. My H and I do not have the problems we once had. Great, huh? No, we just have new problems.

I had to will myself to respect my H. In other words, I may not have had to feeling of respect, but through my own free will, I chose to show him respect. The feelings will follow the action, if you really want to get there. I stopped reading romance novels. Now that may sound funny to some people, but it was a trigger for my imagination. And since I was struggling to not fantasize about OM, I could not feed my big old imagination with that type of reading material.

Anything that I knew deep down in my soul was a hindrance to my attitude toward my H.....I had to change it. I had to let go of my resentment. I decided that if he could forgive me for cheating on him, then I could forgive him for all those things I resented. That was a tough one!

I had to purposely talk and act more positive, b/c I knew how negativity from me affected him.

This took a long time, b/c I was so depressed and dealing with my own physical issues. Not making excuses, just telling you that it took about two years before I even felt ready to start working on the MR. It was tiny, baby steps.....but I might as well have been climbing a mountain.

Both of you will have your set of challenges, plus those you face as a couple. If you ask her to leave the MBR at this time, I think you will damage the MR even more than it already is. She will feel that the minute she opened up and apologized, you rejected her. When you decide you want her back into your bed, she won't be ready. I'm not saying she will, but a lot of women would go straight back to the OM, if their H told them to leave the MBR while she's doing everything he has asked of her. If she wasn't doing what you asked....then yes, that would be the time to tell her to leave the MBR.

I'm not saying what's fair and what's not. I am just sharing how a woman will feel in this type of situation. Once the bed splits, it is harder getting back to that intimate setting.

Your biggest problem at the moment seems to be your timing. And, the fact you swing from one polar to the next. You need to find balance.