Destruction - 1

[speeder]

I am prepared to drop a seven paragraph letter I wrote titled "Why I am separated" on facebook as still no one other than my best friend knows what's going on. I do realize it would only make W more disgusted with me as it reveals all her sins (and mine, as I do take credit for being emotionally unavailable to her). I look at my motivation and it's really just to hurt and lash out from my pain. So hard to not do it.

I'm trying to see MY strength as the ability to resist attacking and making her look bad. I am strong thus I will not create waves between us. It's hard to hold it in when the pain is so great and she proceeds 'seemingly' happy to be ending us. I know that is far from the truth as she is in agony, scared and depressed. She's down 33 lbs and we laughed how no one notices. I said people are not very observant. The good W is still in there somewhere held captive.

I go back and forth between wanting to be civil and wanting to never see her again. She seems pretty steadfast in wanting to be friends. Her emotions are much more mature than mine. And yes LP her complaints are valid. I can see her viewpoint. I do realize she's unloading to alleviate her guilt and pain. I do wonder sometimes if its to make me understand so WE can move forward?

Evenings are like a test that I need to prep for daily. If I'm off reading the wrong course (such as D laws instead of detaching) I struggle in the nights test. I need to stay focused. She is a very smart woman and I do hope she realizes to keep me as her plan B before forsaking us for an unsure plan A.

BF insisted I reach out to other Hs sister, whom he is staying with. She is a powerhouse of a woman and best bet for getting OM to stop. I do realize even with other H gone, my Ws complaints are enough to D.

Wondering, W has no money and is getting free advice on the numbers so she doesn;t get screwed (although I never indicated such). It has always been her intention for us to do this jointly without legals. If I receive any papers I will absolutely proceed to a lawyer for advice.

Saturday, en route to the movies with kids, while W works her outdoor jewelry show, I intend to drop in for a minute and give her a hand written apology letter. I did so in 2010 and felt it was a necessary step in our forward development. My hesitation then and now has always been it could be used against me. I'm willing to take the risk again. I've seen several places say its a crucial step.