continued detachment, anxiety, and joys of limbo

[Phoebe]

Hi SadHub. Thank you for all that you wrote. I value your support and help a great deal, and I feel a connection, too. I'm glad we both ended up here around the same time so that we could be here for each other.

I watched the Guy Winch talk you suggested (at the point you suggested, too, so you know I followed directions. Maybe it was the red type?? I'm laughing right now, just so you know!!!) I liked that talk very much, and I immediately knew who the woman on her first date "called." I've had chats with my own so-called phone friend.

I'm quite familiar with my alter ego - the evil anti-Phoebe. I try to keep her quiet, but sometimes she's a bit rowdy, and as you so rightly pointed out, she has been a bit loud lately. Maybe I should hit her with a 2x4?

Speaking of which, I didn't register anything you just wrote as a 2x4, by the way, SH. It was very gentle, and I really appreciate what is behind each word.

Take my word for it, if you met me in person, I'd be just as quirky as I am here after a little while, and I mean that in a good way. I like my quirkiness quite a bit, actually. The more comfortable I am with a person, the quirkier and sillier they will find me. And now that I write that, I think that is part of the reason I struggle so much with new people. I'm uncomfortable letting too much of myself show. Part of that is a lack of trust, part of it is simple shyness, and part of it is doubting myself.

And that is why writing here helps me sort things out. It took me 45 years to realize that I am awkward around new people because I don't feel comfortable showing them the real me. I am acting like someone that they will think is normal/typical, basically acting like someone else, and that feels strange and uncomfortable. So maybe it takes me a few decades, but I get there eventually.

I'm not saying that I'm now going to be willing to act silly around total strangers, but it does help to have realized something important about myself.

Anyway, enough of me. Thank you again, SH, for your caring and coaching and for liking me the way I am, scars and all. I hope you have a wonderful night, and know that I am very grateful for all the kindness you have shown me.

Chocolate and pencil smiles and bird-call meditations.