Myrrh, All I can say is, you're young yet. I know that sounds patronizing, but it isn't meant that way! I am impressed that you are on this track so early in the game. Oh if I could have realized that I was a crazymaker that long ago!!!
You recognize many triggers for you. That's half the battle.
You can't change things at this point. All you can do is "be." It is completely what Dustin needs too. Just enjoy today, don't spoil it by worrying about tomorrow.
I wish I had better words for you. But, as simple as these are, they are what is best for you.
Quote: For me...peace brings anxiety, and a lot of "what if?" kind of thoughts. The basic question here is...how can I make this pattern lead to a different ending? What is the very first step I need to take to make things different?
There is a point where you make a conscious decision to channel the anxious thinking into constructive, positive energies.
For years I fought against myself for being different than most. Early on, voted most likely to succeed, class mascot, president of honor society, etc. Each step added to the pressure I would place upon myself to be better than everyone. The effort perpetuated feelings of not good enough and stoked the 'never at peace' lifestyle I was running within.
When I got to the point of being unable to slow down, I became very good friends with Glenlivet scotch. It would slow my mind, slowing my personal demons racing inside my head. The quiet peace was what I was running from the most, because I thought that to be accepted and liked I had to achieve, to attain, to surpass everyone else. Fortunately, I have come to befriend those demons and understand that being driven is what makes part of my personality.
So, back to your original question - to quiet the anxiety, you must face your demons and learn to move past them. What besides being manager for the limbo bimbo's do you do for fun? What volunteering can you do? What school classes could you reach into?
Complacency can become addictive and debilitating. Your posts to other threads have become so much more encouraging of late that I think you are a natural for volunteer work or possibly part time work at a hospital, nursing home, etc. The extra income couldn't hurt either.
It's time to use this anxious energy for positive use. You can laugh at the demons or become comfortably numb.
Dazed...I will respond to that in the morning, as I am exhausted and only posting a quick thought. *GULP* Called the shop to tell my H I am off to bed...he was fine, no biggie. Sounded like the old way the shop was...Party Central. He said that a bunch of the people who used to hang out there were there...the girls were OW's friends and makeout buddies (yes, also girls). She doesn't live here, but I am so freaked out that maybe she came down to visit for the weekend? Or maybe he will want to go back to the stupid insanity that used to happen at the shop...why do I care?
Why am I wasting my time worrying about this? As he said...he told me what he wanted. He hasn't said he doesn't want me to move. It is none of my damn business who he does or does not see. Guess I'll go to bed, and if he shows up, he shows up - if not, well whatever...I'm tired, that's all I know. ARGH! Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Myr, stop the crazymaking. I know it's tough. Thinking you shouldnt have called - yes he's showing signs of coming around, but you probably need to back off a day or 2 and let him persue a little.
((HUGS)) you'll get thru this.
Bill.
"you are who you chose to be" - Iron Giant
Link To CURRENT Sitch
You're right. I am so damn tired - really need to stop obsessively reading threads on the BB...too many "what-if" fantasies just waiting. Wow, I am tired. Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Okay, a great talk with H last night - not really about *us*, more about how he was feeling - overwhelmed by life. He's worried about business stuff/our financial stuff/us. He is kind of where I am at with us, I think - confused as to what to do next.
I am going out on a limb here and pointing out a place where things could get hairy. I think when he has shared a lot of himself like that, he goes into his cave to be alone for awhile. (we even talked about his need to be alone last night, and how his dad was also like that!) I did really well last night, I think. I was able to be loving and supportive, without "owning" his feelings - thank you, Betsey for that term and explanation, even though we didn't discuss it in the H context. Today, I think I just need to give him some serious breathing space. He is trying like hell to get this project at work done, and it's really frustrating him that he can't concentrate. So today, without getting all defiant about it, I think I just need to leave him alone. He has said he doesn't care when I leave the house (which, coming from him, is almost "I don't want you to leave just yet"). Why not just deal with the sitch as it is? It's a little ridiculous that I have an apartment and am not staying there...but, well - I am planning to spend at least some time there next week. I am playing this thing by ear, and being very slow and deliberate, trying to err on the side of doing too little rather than too much. I have to make sure I stay away from the pattern of feeling secure in our R, and then slipping back into old bad habits again. He is watching, and I know that.
Agenda for today: 1) Take a shower! I've spent most of the day in my jammies! 2) Go cash the paycheck...gotta love banks that are open on Fridays til 7pm...even Good Friday. 3) Going to go in search of my Merlot, and I am making lasagna tonight, and going to try and work on the house. 4) Maybe stop by the library to return things and/or check new stuff out. 5) Just Be! Hugs to all, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Hi Myrrh! How was your Fri. eve.? Did you find some good Merlot? Is merlot dry? I like wine, but mostly German whites-not too dry, not too sweet...
I can relate to your anxiety, esp. when things are peaceful! So, you have a lot of mental energy?? How about physical? Does it help to alleviate some of the mental energy by being physical? I know you are running around chasing Rhane, but do you get any exercise for yourself or do you take him for a walk/to the park, etc.?
I'd like to hear more about what Dazed said. How do we "embrace" our demons? How do we talk to them? Befriend them? etc...
Karen- What a great post! Well, my Friday was a little crappy, but not earth-shatteringly so, I guess. H stayed at his shop last night, because he is in the midst of some weird hyperactive fit and trying to get this project done. I got pretty mad that he wasn't coming home (DAMN my expectations!) and kind of let him have it. But, I read a really good novel (it was actually a stream-of-consciousness book about depression) and went to sleep after a glass of wine. At least I was able to go a week without the anxiety erupting!
To answer your question about mental/physical energy - I have been thinking about that quite a bit lately. I am somewhat hindered by the fact that money is pretty tight right now, because I would LOVE to join a gym. It's hard for me to exercise other ways -I have to have child care - although I might try taking him for a walk in the park.
Honestly, I am still working on building up a life for myself after struggling for so long with depression. I try to enjoy small things - family get-togethers, good books, good food, good wine...whatever time with my husband I have. I love to dance and listen to music, and honestly I really love aerobics, especially step - I remember a time in my life when I exercised a lot, and I DID feel better about myself. I used to be very physically active, and have really let go of that part of myself. I love to be outside, even if that means hiking forever and roughing it totally. I would love to go backpacking again - I haven't done that in a long time. Spring is my favorite season, so when it is really nice and balmy outside, I like to go and sit on my front porch and just hang out.
As for what Dazed said...to me, my "demons" are my fears. I am intensely afraid of being abandoned, and being alone. I am actually reading kind of a good book "Codependent No More" that seems to really speak to my fears and problems - my intense need to control, my attempts to force things to happen instead of letting them happen. All because I am afraid to face myself and my feelings...I am really trying to work on that. I have actually come a long way. I remember a point where I couldn't be alone in the house for an evening without having an anxiety attack. And that's unlike me, because growing up and while I was a teenager, I really enjoyed alone time - I thought and dreamed and read a lot, and those things made me very happy. I had a rich inner life, and a fairly strong sense of self, until it came to being around my dad - then I did whatever it took to make him happy with me. I have a problem with getting close (mostly in intimate relationships) and then losing myself - then I get angry at whoever I am close to for not meeting the needs I haven't expressed. Actually, my R/M/whatever it is right now is teaching me something valuable. My husband and I are very different in some ways, and I am trying to learn to let him just be who he is, and then evaluate later if I can deal with that. I am working on being with him because I want to be, not because I NEED to be.
That's funny - I think the thing I have to work hardest at in my life is simple enjoyment! Betsey has asked me to set pleasure goals, and you kind of asked me...hmm.
I did find some Merlot - the brand I bought is fairly dry, but I have had some mellower ones..could it be that I enjoy cheap wine?!? I had just a small glass last night and felt really tipsy, but had a lot of fun listening to music and dancing. Oh, I really like to write poetry as well - I am having fun using my Haiku muscles in Beren's thread over at Just for Fun. I used to want to be a writer, but I suffer from a lack of self-confidence in that area. I love being creative, and scrapbooking.
I enjoy stupid and sometimes raunchy humor - I am an unashamed fan of Monty Python. I absolutely love to laugh, and love being around people who make me laugh (H is really funny ). I love animals. I didn't get to have many pets growing up - fish - but I have had cats almost constantly since I moved out of my parents' house.
I am really interested in my Irish heritage, and I love historical re-enactment. That's something I used to do with my Mom and Dad, but they haven't done it lately. Hee hee - I know you didn't ask for an "all about me" essay. but it is kind of fun to sketch out who I am and what I enjoy, instead of detailing all the regrettable things I've done and mistakes I've made.
I sometimes forget how far I've come in the last year...so, what do you like to do for fun? Big hugs, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Every once in awhile, it's nice to have a post that doesn't describe behaviors and attitudes... but the nuts and bolts of who you are.
Myrrh, although you've only been on the BB for a short period of time, you've managed to learn quite a bit. Put that feather in your cap as you go forward.
Have a happy Easter and I'll talk to you next week. Wait a minute, I'll SEE you next week!
Bets
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I had just a small glass last night and felt really tipsy, but had a lot of fun listening to music and dancing. Oh, I really like to write poetry as well - I am having fun using my Haiku muscles in Beren's thread over at Just for Fun. I used to want to be a writer, but I suffer from a lack of self-confidence in that area. I love being creative, and scrapbooking.