continued detachment, anxiety, and joys of limbo

[SH_]

Hi Phoebe,

I fear that my message and goal for my post to you did not convey the message that I had hoped. Please forgive me as my mind has not quite been in a place that I am familiar with and my thoughts are not being conveyed as I hope for.

For this I have taken the day after reading your response this morning to try and gather my thoughts into a manner that I can better express to you my hope for healing.

First I want to express that my desire to assist you comes from a genuine place. I truly feel a connection to you as you have been there from the early part of my journey. I say this as I have never been on a forum or social media because it was just not my thing. But the connection has been real for me, and the friendship that I feel with you is also genuine.
And I believe that I feel this because you are not pretending to be anything other than who you are. Honesty is the key for me to friendship and caring for another person.

Now my challenge to you may come from the "fixer" in me, and so I want to put it out there, that the challenge is not to say you are doing something wrong or not trying hard enough. It is because I see potential in you, and an opportunity to become stronger both physically and emotionally through positive efforts for healing.

Now before you read any further, please look up and watch the TedTalk by Guy Winch and emotional first aid.

SH, I will look up those talks tomorrow. I promise. And I will try harder. I'm just not quite there right now.

The talks are awesome and I think you will find value in them.
You are trying very hard, and my hope is not the you try harder, only that you may be able to tweak an approach that you may find comfort and strength from.

I know you want me to feel better, SH, and I will, just not this moment. There are times when I'm just going to be sad. I Know that I am going to be OK, even if I'm not sure how to get there every day.

There will be times that you are going to be sad. And I know that you will be okay. This I know. My goal is to share some ideas that will get you through it each day. We do have control, it just takes different efforts and a desire to do so. It is not always easy, but sadness is an emotion that we can work through. Meditation is key teaching for this. We must recognize the sadness, but we also should pass it through and then place our focus on positive things. This is key to meditation.

I journal what I do and experience and then how I feel about those things. If I report something that sounds down, it's because I already feel that way, and not the other way around. So, while I completely agree about positive self-talk, I'm not totally sure that negative self-talk is what I've been doing, either. I feel more like I'm sorting things out.

Journaling is perfect, and I did not mean to imply that you should not. It is a good way to provide ones self with emotional first aid. And as you say, it is sorting things out. I also did not mean to imply that it is negative self talk.
As indicated in the TedTalk, Rumination is unhealthy for our emotional well being because it can easily become a habit. A costly one. Physically and emotionally. If we are not careful, and replace it with positive self talk.

My hope for my message is that sometimes when we sort through our thoughts we stop at the thoughts that are about the reasons we are down, sad or lacking self confidence. We miss the opportunity to follow it up with thoughts of a positive nature, or positive self affirmations of what we know we are, or can become. Keep journaling, keep sorting things out, the challenge is to finish the journaling and sorting with the positive programing and affirmations. Our minds and hearts will grab on to those things and we can push forward with strength and healing.

I have to put on my brave face and pretend that I'm OK all day long so that people don't feel bad for me or uncomfortable around me. Most days recently I really am doing OK, but some days I'm not, and that's not because of anything I write.

I'd rather not have to pretend to be brave all the time here, too.

Phoebe, you are not pretending to be brave. You are truly being brave every day, both in front of the people you see each day as well as here on this form. I know it may be your tendency to try and not make people feel uncomfortable around you, I know this feeling, but I encourage you to be you. I think people are more real when online than in person, because that feeling seems less for whatever reason.
My point is, that I would love to meet you in person, and I would want you to be exactly as you have portrayed yourself in these forums as I believe this is you being you. I know others would say the same. So if you have so many supporters here, why would you not want to be that same way in person? It is who you are. Be you. You are beautiful just the way you are, emotional scars and all.

I'm struggling more the last few days because meeting people is hard for me. I know I need to do it, but it reminds me that I have always struggled to form friendships, and that tap dances on the same nerves that are already sensitive because of my best friend and H's rejection of me. It reminds me of what I discovered when I started writing down my loss history. Friendships have been associated with painful losses through my life, and yet now I have to seek them out.

As you watch the TedTalk, I think you will know my response to this. (hint, its the part with the lady that was divorced and went on the date, then called her "friend".

So, anyway, SH. I very much appreciate your concern and support. I'll try to do more positive self-talk, and I will go find those talks. Meanwhile, I hope you won't hold me to continuing my acting here, too. This has been my refuge for what I can't share anywhere else.

I would only ask that you don't have to feel the need to "act" at all. Just be you. Believe in you. Practice emotional first aid. Your physical health will return. Your emotional health with heal.
The real and confident You underneath all of the pain, is truly a wonderful and amazing person, and there are people out there that deserve to know you, emotional scars and all.

I hope that this does not come across as a 2X4 because it is not. It is my desire to share with you some valuable information and thoughts for healing. You have come a long way, and you have a long way to go. As discussed in the talk, we focus a lot on physical healing. Medication, doctor visits etc, but we miss the opportunity to provide emotional first aid. And when we do, no amount of meds are going to help us physically long term. Okay, so I digress due to my personal views on medications, but I do feel strongly that emotional healing is a need for many on these forums so that we can push forward.

I love ya Phoebe, I value your support, your advice, and I love your fighting spirit.
God has a plan for both of us, and as we push forward, we will both find happiness no matter what it looks like.