Hello DBers - And thanks to Ciluzen, Bluwave and Rose888 for being so supportive lately...and where is LiM? Calling all DB vets and geniuses!!! Last couple days were really tough after my meeting with H on Saturday. A lot of crying, not sleeping, wallowing, feeling guilty for all my past mistakes, lost, like I have nothing left in my life that matters, how did I end up like this, 57 with no real career, money and a H that left me...Sunday and Monday wok up feeling like I have very little to live for right now, crying.
Feel like I've totally lost my self over past couple years. A constant stream of images in my head that I found difficult to stop of our life together and all the fun times and then crashing into fear of none of that happening again in the future
Got a good night sleep last night, went for long walk and actually started reading DR book again from the beginning. This gets my head back in a good place in terms of realizing the work I need to do on myself and that I don't know what will happen, and to try to get back into focusing on what I CAN control.
The triggers from last Saturday - The meeting was to once again discuss the idea of living on our property together. One of the first things he said was 'we have to clarify what our R is' ok...all fine...then he said 'You're still wearing your wedding ring'. I am starting to feel that simply wearing my ring feels like pursuing/convincing behavior to him, but JESUS...what is he thinking - yeah, I'm still Married to you. But - I didn't say ANYTHING... good on me. The other things that triggered the next two days of hell... At some point I said it would be fun to do some summer things like go to river etc. 'to rebuild...' then he obviously felt threatened by that word 'rebuild' and reacted by saying 'I don't want to rebuild our M' I said, that's not what I meant, I meant our friendship... FYI - did I mention in previous post from the meeting Sat MAy 14 - he does smoke pot as after years of trying every anti-depressant on the planet, it helps him keep his brain chemistry in a good place, he does not abuse it. But on this 2nd meeting he was NOT stoned...his entire demeanor was a bit more cold and distant. He is very tired, not sleeping etc. He mentioned places he was going to look at, difficulty affording them, crap places for 800./month etc. We decided to meet again this coming Saturday. He also said he'd want to live in the guest house to have his own space, as that is what he needs now. Ok, and the last bit that threw me for a loop...once again mentioning the FRIGGIN 'dating' word... He said 'I'm not looking but you'd have to be prepared for that' something to that effect. So of course, being a woman who used to be 'the cheater' a long time ago with a long term boyfriend R, I went into totally freak out mode. Is he already dating someone and just trying to avoid telling me? WHATEVER... I must try to get through today without thinking about it anymore. But I must say I'm having a lot of anxiety about this ... if he starts seeing someone else, what the heck are my chances of reconnecting and reconciling...Feeling anxiety about whether this DB stuff will ever really work in our situation. Since he reiterated not wanting to live in a 'domestic situation'. HELP vets and geniuses...Send me some helpful thoughts to break this loop I am in!!!! Got to get out! At least I'm not crying today. Thanks as always for spending a moment of your precious time on my situation. Sending love to all broken hearts.
Yesterday was a tough day here too. Even though H's behavior is in line with reconnecting, it became clear in counseling that he is still not reconnected, and that a big part of him doesn't want to because he thinks as soon as he does, my libido will return to its previous levels and he will be stuck in a SSM again.
I feel like we are just delaying the inevitable.
However, I'll tell you what I am telling myself. The heart of DBing is making myself a better, more self-sufficient person. That works regardless of what happens to my marriage.
What are your GAL plans for the week?
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
And here are a bunch of virtual hugs. We'll get through this!
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Thank you for the hugs! at least you have a chance, going to MC etc. I hope you two figure out the sex thing - it doesn't need to be as complicated as we sometimes make it. Also sometimes depends on WHY they/he/we want sex...to feel loved, to really connect ??? Having a hard time with any GAL activities that involve other people right now...just want to be out here on our land and don't want to talk to anyone most of the time. I know I will come out of this phase. We live in a small town and really I don't want to talk about it with anyone unless it will be helpful, and mostly, it isn't. I am going to plant a garden. I am going to ride my motorcycle and start to look for another job. Is that enough??? And write a lot. I have materials from an online biz class I took that I also need to get back into as I want to start my own biz. Challenge is to make a plan and schedule priorities and stick to the plan. and not get lost in feeling sad. Thank you so much - gotta go to my part time job now. Will check in later. thanks for all your support.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sorry I haven't been active in posting but I have been following your sitch. It really [censored]. I feel for you. But here comes a 2x4. He's checked out of your M. He's gone. If he wants to move back in, its only because it will make his life easier. Why on earth would he be talking about dating if he was REALLY wanting to work on your M. At this point, I think your best bet is giving him the boot. By doing so, you will show him you will not be treated this way. You are worth more than this. You said that you "lost yourself." Well, you need to find yourself again. That's hard work but that's what you need to do. If you are successful, you will be much better off in both possible outcomes: he comes back or he doesn't. Either way, you've got to take care of yourself. My advice to you would be to mentally divorce him and begin moving on with your life. Find out just how awesome you can become! When he gets his $hit together, he'll realize what he's lost and come crawling back to you.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
I only have a few minutes, as I have to get kiddos, but I will check back tonight. My heart aches for you. It truly does. I have been there and I know the devastation and crisis that you are in.
I completely agree with Lim. I am also going to hit you with a 2*4 because I think you can take it and I think ultimately it is what you need. Sweetie, let him go. He is done. Everything he is saying and doing is telling you that.
He doesn't understand why you would wear your ring because he wants out of the M. It hurts, but it makes sense, and a lot of people take them off when S. He is making it clear he wants no R talk and to build nothing; he doesn't want a friendship with you either--that may be because he thinks you will pursue more. He only wants to live there because it suits his needs--and he is telling you that. He also is thinking about dating. I have read all of your posts and I would not be surprised if he already has been. Everything he is doing and saying--his sharp 180, his coldness, his firm boundaries, indicate someone in an A.
But what I care about far more than any of that crap, is you. This is about YOU now. You have not been well--you admit this--and now he is giving you the gift of time. It is time to release him--from your day to day life and even more slowly from your every thought. You deserve better than this. And I am worried about him living next door, because seeing him, and just thinking about seeing him is causing you so much distress and anxiety. So please do not help him out here--he has broken your heart and left you in the dust. Now he wants to move in because he can't afford his own place? And he is already telling you that you may see him with OW?
These are huge red flags! You do not have to do anything today, tomorrow, or next week. Take it day by day, deep breathe, start allowing your mind some rest from him. DB is not just about showing him that you are detaching, it is more about learning to self love. It takes a very, very long time.
You can do this. Baby steps. And when you learn to love yourself and let him go, that is when you can start living your life.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I have to agree with almost everything that Blu said. He's done. He's completely checked out. Your best bet at saving your M is to let him go. Drop the rope. Cut him loose. You don't have to actually divorce him but you need to emotionally divorce him and begin to move on with your life. Become a strong, confident woman. Right now, you are not. Its imperative that you become that woman and you can't do it with him. You've got to find your own way. You've got to find it within yourself to be "enough" on your own. I don't know about an A. I lean more towards a MLC and if that's what it is, you are in for a long haul based on what I've read. Regardless, he's gone for the time being. And he may never come back. The sooner you wrap your head around that painful truth, the sooner you can truly begin to take care of yourself and become the woman you need to be. Your inner fire is extinguished. You need to figure out how to light that again. He's got his own crap to work through. Once you become a woman on fire and if/when he gets his head out of his a$$, then you can worry about fixing your M. Both of things need to occur before that can happen and right now, neither of those are happening. Start with you. You know what your issues are. Work on those and forget about him. Dump him and find a life where you are happy with yourself. Then and only then will you be ready to reenter this relationship.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Thank you LiM and Bluwave, Just got home - will ponder all you both said. I know for sure if there is a 'date' person it certainly wasn't happening before he left because he was either always at work or here... There are some other ideas I have on that but will get into that at another time. Thank you both for taking time to really think about my situation and respond to my posts. I am going to read what you wrote a few more times and think about it all. I do think it's more of the MLC situation due to everything that's been happening since last summer. The other thing is, if we're not supposed to 'believe anything they say and 50percent of what they do' then that's how I was feeling today. I don't think he's in his right mind. But irrelevant of that, I have to work on my own stuff, as LiM says - my fire! And I do have a lot of fire once I'm not crying/sad/depressed! more later thank you so much
