Pam - Thank you for that vote of confidence. It is so hard for me to not question, but to trust things to unfold as they will. Things make no sense to me right now, and so I want to do my "bull in a china shop" routine, and start stumbling around, knocking things over.
We talked about moving my couch/bed in on Sunday, so I will be here at the house until then. I feel realy restless right now, and that is a dangerous spot for me to be in. If you recall, it was my growing agitation that made me start crazymaking again.
For me...peace brings anxiety, and a lot of "what if?" kind of thoughts. The basic question here is...how can I make this pattern lead to a different ending? What is the very first step I need to take to make things different?
Well, what would I normally do when I feel this way? I would start trying to get in touch with Dustin, maybe calling him a lot. I would start obsessing about him being with other women, or planning to be with other women, or planning for a divorce.
I would get slowly afraid, then slowly angry, and not do anything that I wanted to have accomplished around the house. I would feel and act insecure, and beg either verbally or with my actions for reassurances.
He has not said he doesn't want me to move out. He hasn't said he doesn't want a D. And a lot of the time I feel clueless. I love sleeping next to him and waking up with him in the morning. I love being allowed to touch him, and to kiss him, and to make love to him. Thinking about leaving really hurts, and I shared with someone today that I am starting to feel like a WAW. But he has not said anything about me not moving out, and neither have I.
This is really hard. I will probably post more after I watch The Swan (new reality show), because I seem to be doing a lot of thinking tonight, and anything that keeps me from acting like a freak is good at this point, I think. More later, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
