I've been crying more or less all the time since Thursday. The tears were just streaming down even while I was at work today. I take meds (Xanax type), but they're not stopping the tears. They make the pit in my stomach a little less intense. I actually feel dehydrated from all the crying.
I am so sorry Painter. It's probably cathartic. After I went through this, it was followed my much relieved numbness and detachment. I hope it's the same for you as well.
I talked to H twice today. It started off badly with him hanging up on me several times (trying to avoid what he knew was coming), then we had two decent conversations. He's still trying to lie and claims that he didn't tell me because he doesn't want to hurt me. After talking for quite a while, he suggested to call me tomorrow morning when he's driving for an hour to a meeting tomorrow morning.
Please read and reread your statement above, over and over if you have to. Your husband disrespects you by hanging up on you, incredibly insulting. He is lying to you. And he is manipulating you. He is the perpetrator and you are looking to him to comfort you. This has to stop. It's not real comfort. It's just lies. Please painter, start looking within yourself for this comfort.
I cried quite a bit on the phone and he said his heart is breaking over hearing me so sad. He also sent me an e-mail about how bad he feels. I think he deserves a little heartbreak and I hope it soured his evening with OW.
You are trying to rationalize with him and guilt him into feeling something he is simply incapable of feeling. Look at his actions. If he really felt bad, he would never have done this. Again, his comfort and words are lies.
He said he wanted a Suzy Homemaker (I said 'Suzy Homewrecker is more like it') and that she gets up at 4:30am to make him lunch every day. She lives only for him, it seems, a real, old-fashioned housewife which is what he wanted. Wonder how long that will last. It does get lonely to do everything by yourself and serve on someone else and make them the focus of your life.
I said it was hard to understand that it was what he wanted when he kept saying I needed to get a job.
reading this made me FURIOUS. If he wants a codependent, stupid, deceitful, insecure maid for his partner over an intelligent, passionate, and soulful woman let him have that and move on graciously. The two of them are beneath you. They really are. You have served your purpose for him and now he needs someone to make him lunch everyday. That's all this is about.
I don't know why I'm so devastated. I really thought I was further ahead. I think it's that she moved in took all hope away for any reconciliation in my mind. But why would I want to reconcile with this man? I'm at a loss over myself. I'm seeing my counselor tomorrow at 5pm.
I was thinking that it feels like that when I was with H, I was somebody and now I am nobody. I know it's a weird feeling because I normally have good self-esteem and am active and involved in many things, but now it feels like there is no reason for my existence.
I think that once the emotions pass, you will be able to reflect on this more logically. Right now you are in the midst of betrayal, lies, deceit, and manipulation. You have to climb out of that and look at things from a more clear position. If you keep calling and talking to him your just further entrenching yourself in more lies, betrayal, deceit, and manipulation. Your wasting your time and energy. Your existence has been dampened by him. No one should have ever have that much power over you. So take it back.
I hope I Am not coming across too strongly. I know how different it feels when it is some one else's situation versus your own. It's just I know what a strong woman you are and you will get through this and look back on it with a completely different perspective.
