Me: I just forwarded you the information on J's dentist appointment tomorrow. I will probably just take the kids with me, they have a nice playroom for kids there. OK. Not bad.
05/24, 8:03 AM W: I'm going to change the other ones to a time that i can be present (thx for that) and when the kids are at j's so they don't have to sit in a dentist office for two hours. 05/24, 8:04 AM Me: are you implying that you are upset with me for making the appointments at the times i did? What? Why not say: "I didnt realize you wanted to attend. Can you let me know when they are?" Why open this can of worms.....? Of course she's implying shes upset with you. You're breathing!
05/24, 8:10 AM W: No I think it's great that you made you first aopointments for the kids. What i don't appreciate is you made them when i couldn't be available, which im sure was done purposefully. And secondly, that you literally had no idea where the cavities were, what teeth were the worse, which ones and how many they would fix first. 05/24, 8:11 AM W: Furthermore, it's ridiculous to think r and R will sit for 2 hours during dinner time waiting 05/24, 8:17 AM Me: I made the appointments when I knew I could take him, so that they were on the calendar. I immediately called you and told you you could change them. I am happy to work with you if needed. He had 16 cavities, my apologies for not committing each to memory immediately. Do you see how you immediately became defensive? Why do you think that is? She's upset that you took care of it without her. I suppose thats understandable. Either way, validate that hurt and move on. "I understand that you wanted to go; let's figure out a time that we can make that happen."
05/24, 8:20 AM Me: If the appointment takes 2 hours, I will take them to get something to eat. However, to get two of mine done took about 30 minutes, so I highly doubt 4 of his will take 2 hours. Again, this just comes off as defensive. Shes saying something and you immediately invalidated it. You are their father, why do you have to defend your choices on how to spend time with them? If they get upset, youll deal with it.
05/24, 8:20 AM W: I changed the second two appts. 05/24, 8:20 AM W: I just asked how long, and it will take between 1.5- 2 hrs. 05/24, 8:21 AM W: In the future i would suggest asking those things so you can be better prepared for the little kids. 05/24, 8:21 AM Me: If it does, we'll just go grab a bite to eat 05/24, 8:21 AM Me: plus D and N live over there. I had plenty of things in mind. Again, youre backpedaling. Of course you had a plan. But you dont need to justify every step to her!
05/24, 8:24 AM W: His next two appts ate june 3rd and 16, at 2 and 11. 05/24, 8:24 AM Me: do you need me to take him to either one of them? 05/24, 8:28 AM Me: if you do, I'd rather take him to the one at 2, so i can still get a half day at work in Uh oh... Do you see what happened? You took control and did something for your kid. She didnt like it and took over. And now you are "pawning" it off on to her.
05/24, 8:28 AM W: I've got it handled. 05/24, 8:29 AM Me: ok. did you sign R up for Sunday school yet? I talked to a pastor about it yesterday. 05/24, 8:30 AM W: I've already talked to our pastor, and no i haven't. I have the paper work with me today. 05/24, 8:31 AM Me: I'd like to get that done, if you don't get it taken care of today let me know and I will. Again, you are putting the activity on her plate as opposed to handling it yourself. Youre setting it up so she needs to contact you about it. Why not just arrange it?
05/24, 8:33 AM W: You care about faith now? Since when? 05/24, 8:37 AM Me: I've been to church now the past few weeks. met with a pastor yesterday to talk about lots of different things, including me joining the church. i'm very interested in exploring different facets of myself, including spirituality. More defense! Why do you feel like you need to answer all of these questions?
05/24, 8:40 AM W: It will be good for the kids to see the consistency. You've got a year and a half to show a judge what a great dad you are.....woo hoo 05/24, 8:41 AM W: I mean we both know that's what you are doing....shhh, it's a secret. 05/24, 8:46 AM Me:We prayed for you yesterday. I feel bad that you are so clouded in anger. I know and accept my part in putting you there, and I certainly know what it is like to be in that place. I pray that you will be able to let that anger go one day. "I see now that the kids deserve to have a dad that is present and active in their lives. That is my goal." Why are you answering her comments about you as a father by telling her what she is feeling?
05/24, 8:53 AM W: Oh, I'm not angry. Like I've said before I'm the happiest ive ever been. Life is full of hiccups and variables. While it sadens me that you are the one causing the variables, i would have expected nothing less from you. I wish nothing but happiness and peace for you, but please don't waste your prayers on me, you've got a fun load praying for yourself. 05/24, 8:53 AM W: Big 05/24, 8:56 AM Me: you seem really happy. And finally, there was no need to reply to her last note here.
I think theres a few things to consider in this exchange:
1) Why do you speak so defensively to her? 2) How can you improve your validation? 3) How can you make sure your messages stay on topic and are goal oriented?
