Hello DBers - And thanks to Ciluzen, Bluwave and Rose888 for being so supportive lately...and where is LiM? Calling all DB vets and geniuses!!! Last couple days were really tough after my meeting with H on Saturday. A lot of crying, not sleeping, wallowing, feeling guilty for all my past mistakes, lost, like I have nothing left in my life that matters, how did I end up like this, 57 with no real career, money and a H that left me...Sunday and Monday wok up feeling like I have very little to live for right now, crying.
Feel like I've totally lost my self over past couple years. A constant stream of images in my head that I found difficult to stop of our life together and all the fun times and then crashing into fear of none of that happening again in the future
Got a good night sleep last night, went for long walk and actually started reading DR book again from the beginning. This gets my head back in a good place in terms of realizing the work I need to do on myself and that I don't know what will happen, and to try to get back into focusing on what I CAN control.
The triggers from last Saturday - The meeting was to once again discuss the idea of living on our property together. One of the first things he said was 'we have to clarify what our R is' ok...all fine...then he said 'You're still wearing your wedding ring'. I am starting to feel that simply wearing my ring feels like pursuing/convincing behavior to him, but JESUS...what is he thinking - yeah, I'm still Married to you. But - I didn't say ANYTHING... good on me. The other things that triggered the next two days of hell... At some point I said it would be fun to do some summer things like go to river etc. 'to rebuild...' then he obviously felt threatened by that word 'rebuild' and reacted by saying 'I don't want to rebuild our M' I said, that's not what I meant, I meant our friendship... FYI - did I mention in previous post from the meeting Sat MAy 14 - he does smoke pot as after years of trying every anti-depressant on the planet, it helps him keep his brain chemistry in a good place, he does not abuse it. But on this 2nd meeting he was NOT stoned...his entire demeanor was a bit more cold and distant. He is very tired, not sleeping etc. He mentioned places he was going to look at, difficulty affording them, crap places for 800./month etc. We decided to meet again this coming Saturday. He also said he'd want to live in the guest house to have his own space, as that is what he needs now. Ok, and the last bit that threw me for a loop...once again mentioning the FRIGGIN 'dating' word... He said 'I'm not looking but you'd have to be prepared for that' something to that effect. So of course, being a woman who used to be 'the cheater' a long time ago with a long term boyfriend R, I went into totally freak out mode. Is he already dating someone and just trying to avoid telling me? WHATEVER... I must try to get through today without thinking about it anymore. But I must say I'm having a lot of anxiety about this ... if he starts seeing someone else, what the heck are my chances of reconnecting and reconciling...Feeling anxiety about whether this DB stuff will ever really work in our situation. Since he reiterated not wanting to live in a 'domestic situation'. HELP vets and geniuses...Send me some helpful thoughts to break this loop I am in!!!! Got to get out! At least I'm not crying today. Thanks as always for spending a moment of your precious time on my situation. Sending love to all broken hearts.
