Marital Separation Agreement is signed. Signed the Quit Claim Deed on the house. Trying to get our Wed. court date, which was an interim/temporary order hearing (remember, once I found out she was still heavy in the EA, I confronted, and then started the D up again, as she had no intention of stopping) to our final date. Haven't heard yet, but it's a good possibility that tomorrow by 10AM CDT I'll be divorced.
Closing on the new condo a couple blocks up the street on June 15th. WW closes on the refi on Friday. I wrote it into the MSA to have the ability to stay at the house until I can move into the condo.
Working my contacts to get some used furniture for the kiddos and me. Ordered dishes and silverware on Sunday.
I cry every few days listening to Christian music, and when I'm deep in the Bible. The pain comes from the hurt I'm inflicting my kids to, and what they will see in the future - the failure of my WW and me to make things work. My pornography addiction had a contributing factor to my WW. My distance at times, and germanic work ethic, lots of hours at work, did some of the damage as well. I am still willing to work on the marriage, but WW is so far deep it might be 6 mo-2 years before she realizes what she's done, and I might be finding the next Mrs. Trumpet - you just don't know. I'm pretty broken right now in my heart, and I have walls up. I'm interested in dating, but it doesn't seem smart to give false hope to a middle-aged woman that a quick relationship after a D will last - the odds are pretty bad. Maybe a few casual meet-ups with people? I don't know. What I do know? I'm MUCH more confident about myself than when I met WW back in college. I have 3 beautiful kids that need me, and a job that I've been tasked with - be the best dad I can be, always, and not give up on my kids. They know I tried, and still want the M to work. I didn't blame WW for D, but they know I wanted to stay together. They are happy about the new place - the D7 is really excited.
There are times I'm still missing WW. There are times I'm really angry at her. There are times I struggle with the guilt from the porn use. 207 days clean for me - my brain, and how my thoughts flow from it, has changed so immeasurably, that it feels like I'm a teenager again, with pure thoughts, gratefulness for beautiful flowers, sunsets, and smiles on people. I can look straight into someone's eyes, and give them full attention and a smile back.
I have been set free. In my marriage, in my addiction, in my shame (will always have guilt, but can manage that). My managers job is going really well. Another record month is coming! God isn't done with me yet, though. Whether he puts my course back with my WW in the future, I do not know. I have my own sails to tend to.
For those catching up with me - there will be brighter days. There will be bad days, too. Focus on what you can control, realize feelings and acting on those feelings are two COMPLETELY different things, and find a way to be grateful for what you have. Start balancing the plates you spin in your life. Many of us make one plate spin really fast, and the others drop. Continual tending, spinning those plates, makes you whole.
My challenge will be to make it through the next few weeks, if the D becomes final tomorrow. I did reach out one last time the OM's wife - they are in a protracted divorce, and he will not respond to her legal efforts to move the D along. A year and a half, and their D is stalled out. Money pouring out of both coffers, and her husband, the OM, now planning to make a life with my STBXW. My WW is planning a weekend in Chicago with her OM, most likely consumating their relationship. She still won't tell the kids what is really happening - just that she's going 'away'. When you can't tell the kids where you are, where you're going, that has to be a huge red flag for them. My WW will have some soul crushing realizations once the D is final, and I'm out.
I'm a little sad for her, but realize experience is the best way to learn. The school of hard knocks is in session for her. I paid a dear price for my sins, and will in the future. I had a choice, and made a course correction to a brighter future.
I'll catch up with you in a day or two, and let ya'll know if there were any fireworks (not likely).
Thanks for reading - and keep posting. God Bless you all!
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
