I finally realize that the 180 really is for me, not just to manipulate him home.
I think I'm moving on. Six months ago I was devastated to have "lost" my life, and now I realize what I am gaining. I see for the first time how unhappy he made me, and that on my own I am growing stronger and happier every day. I will be able to wake up every morning knowing I held my reputation and integrity, and can hold my head high.
He told me he is flooded with memories of us all the time now, and can't stop thinking about the good. We were out the other night at a mutual friend's birthday party, and he couldn't keep his eyes off me all night.
I don't know if I want this marriage anymore. I fought so hard to protect him, and to prove to him that he was lovable, and I wouldn't be another person to abandon him. I'm realizing now, though, that he abandoned me, and it wasn't because I did anything to deserve it.
I have been fearful all along that when he decided he wanted me it would be too late, and that's how I feel this morning.
