TL;DR Version. Shes home. She stayed in spare bedroom with no arguments. Asked about showering in master, I told her shower,sleep,etc wherever you want, you live here too and your choice.
I thought she had been detaching as she'd made comments of being "numb" towards me. not angry, not sad, not happy, not nothing, but this was completely incorrect. Everything I say to her, is received with extreme criticism, rejection, and some form of frustrated/angry response.
I stay calm, nice, caring, try to validate (when possible), and she doesn't seem to soften at all right now, and that's fine, not expected. Her unpredictable out-lashings of now, are becoming more reminiscent of her wild antics of the past, and is really only making the detachment process for me even easier.
Oh, and I won't read too much into it: but the two books our MC recommended to us:
1. Five Love Languages (Chapman) - which she claimed she was reading at the time, but when I discussed several topics with her about the book, it was clear she had no clue what I was talking about. 2. 7 Principles of Successful Marriage (Gottman) - One she said she would read next, etc.
She was reading #1 on the Kindle last night. Interesting, none-the-less.
Both are good reading for both S's. Keep things going in a positive direction.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
Everything I say to her, is received with extreme criticism, rejection, and some form of frustrated/angry response.
betterm,
When logical-rational world meets bizarro world everything becomes chaotic. It's similar to matter coming in contact with antimatter.
Actually, I think the goal of the WS is to remain as angry as possible so that it makes it easier to leave. There's nothing you can say that can't be used against you.
You can have fun with bizarro world. I found that my wife goes through the roof if I tell her she's a black-and-white thinker. So, if I've given her good reason to be angry, then all I have to do is tell her that she's a black-and-white thinker and suddenly she's off and running in another direction and she's forgotten about the original transgression. Then, I can just watch her burn herself out whilst I have a cookie and a strawberry Fanta.
That's just angry spew on her part. The "just" there isn't to trivialize it, but to say that its completely normal. You are probably not reacting the way she had thought you would...way to 180! It will probably get worse as she starts to realize that her normal control tactics aren't working, and she tries to adjust her own tactics to get what she wants (control of the situation, MBR, etc).
Stand firm, be logical, but don't push aggressively on anything. And keep talk to a minimum. Don't explain all of your thoughts or actions; don't defend your statements or actions. Just be "light and pleasant". It will be a 180 for you, I'm sure, to not explain it all as she spews anger and frustration in your face. The idea is to SHOW her your changes; not tell her.
And LISTEN to her words. Look her in the eye. You don't have to validate everything. "I hear you", "I understand your frustration", or just a nod of the head with full, non-angry eye contact is enough. But if she keeps going angrily, you can make your contact short. "I'd like to hear more later" (never say "when you calm down...for some reason "calm" mentioned to angry people has the opposite effect).
When she speaks calmly to you, reward her with better validation. "So what you're saying is..." and compliments. "I like your idea of..." or "That's a good point. Maybe we should...". Reward good, ignore (or at least be unaffected by) bad behavior.
You're doing a good job and its throwing her off. Be firm, like you're doing. But be careful. She might change tactics in her desperation to get control, and you also might be tempted to change your own in response. Right now, stand firm. Good luck!
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Yes, I could tell this morning the attitude was far worse than last night, she was dying for a big blowout, and she didn't get one. She got to scream and yell a little bit, but there was no pushback. I meet with attorney tomorrow morning, and depending on that meeting, I might have to start 'pushing some buttons' myself to see the reaction. I know she' back home now, but it's for the wrong reasons: 1) she can't stand to be around her parents for extended amount of time/days, 2) I'm sure her attorney friend said 'you need to get home if you want any chance of getting a portion of capital gains from that house.'...
Anyways, She has about $2k in the 'joint-checking', and she works in the school system, summer is coming up, and she' doesn't' get paid for the breaks while she's not working. This is going to get interesting, very, very fast. If she wants to spend her last $2k on fun-money and w/e else, she's going to get hit pretty hard with a reality bomb when it all comes crashing down.
I saw today that her current job at the school, was just posted online, so either she has been asked not to come back next year, or she's told them she doesn't want to come back. I could see it either way, as she's late all the time, she's missed several days due to hangovers and whatnot during this "troubled-time", and she knows that what she makes there doesn't pay the bills if she doesn't have me around to pay for everything.
Wow, I did not think about this before, and apparently neither did she... but she will have NO primary income after June 3rd. Not that she made a lot there, but she will either need to find a new job ASAP, or rely on the very small side-work business she does, usually less than $400/month. Oh no...
oh boy, she is flipping out over text messaging right now. all in regards to 'money' and how i shouldn't be taking money out of any of our accounts, and we should just agree to 'not spend any money' right now. I've ignored this text for almost 2 hours now, I've got about 10 more random one-liners and questions trying to get me to give in... I'm not "avoiding" her, I told her I don't want to have any conversations like 'that' over TEXT, so I'm just sticking to my word of not texting about crap like that. sheesh
