Pattie- Your post made me cry, and I have no idea why. Part of me really does want to walk away (emotionally, since he has already done that physically). Part of me does want to wall off my heart and refuse to look back, because I feel like that is what he will get down to doing once I am completely moved. I guess that is the ultimate DBing dilemma - how to detach, but to leave the door open...how to live with this stupid gnawing ache...
If this was a new relationship, it wouldn't be a big deal. We see each other, we call each other. I wish just once I could know what he's feeling, and planning...sometimes I wish the positives weren't there, so this was more clear-cut. I don't know how the heck I am supposed to stay open and loving when I KNOW he is going to file those papers soon!
It's really sad to sit here in my half-empty house without him, knowing that if I decide to stay the course and DB until the end, I could be alone for quite a while. That ten dollar bet about me being filed on by May 1st still holds... Sorry for whining - I know lots of other people here are hurting just as much as I am, many much more. This is really hard. Hugs, Myrrh
Oh, and goal for tonight...relax, watch Sat night TV, work on cleaning up the living room some, and don't contact H in any way, shape, or form. I am feeling very emotionally achy right now.
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
I like your expression "emotionally achey" it describes my feelings tonight too. I have similar goals - get through the night without contacting and sounding needy. Good luck with your goals tonight! WT
If you lived close I'd tell you come on over. Misery loves company.
Sweetie, he is just as scared as you. Please don't, hear me, don't assume he is going to file. Ever!! He may eventually, but you need to stay focused on you. You know what you want to change about Myrrh.
You can do this!!!! Tell you what, come see what is going on in my world.
I'll be around all weekend, so post away! I've already opened a bottle of merlot, care for a glass?
Pattie
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
Greetings, Flowboy - actually, I am not quite in the new place yet. One more excruciating session of H helping me move (maybe with his friend - yippee) and I will be ready to move in, although since Ihaven't gotten a phone hooked up there yet it may still be one more day.
I am feeling very detached today. I just feel very "been here, done this." Everyone fears pain...that's why I am afraid of the D papers and of what it will feel like for me when H starts dating again. Like I said, pretty much the only thing I am doing in support of my marriage at this point is not actively filing for divorce. I can't keep my heart deeply engaged with my H, knowing that it could be months or never before he reconsiders.
He seems very sure of his course, and I believe it is only business that keeps him from moving ahead with the paperwork. Anyway - I am on my way out to the new place for some more moving fun! By myself, for now. Wish me luck at being calm and cool tonight... Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Thanks, Pattie. I was driving back to the house from my new apartment after just kind of sitting in there trying to absorb it as my new place, and I realized I am starting to mourn the loss of this relationship - I am pretty sure that grieving is the first step to letting go, and I don't think I can stop it! He and I have had a little bit of R talk, wherein he told me that he was insulted that I would think he was dating so soon - that he could just say "get out" and then replace me right away with someone else...he is convinced I have a man in Seattle...I guess it is a territorial thing that even though he doesn't want me right now, he doesn't want anyone else to have me either.
Giving up dreams is hard...when I think about what I would like to be doing on this Sunday evening...this was family night, and our S is with a sitter - just a week ago we had talked about going to the movies if we could get him a sitter, and now I know that if I was going to go, it would have to be by myself. I would just rather be doing quiet family things than working on moving on bravely by myself. AUGH! Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Sometimes I hesitate to post positives, because I don't quite know what to think of them.
My H spent the night here last night, and didn't leave until today around two. We had kind of a crappy phone convo last night, and I was going to go to the movies alone, and then I decided to be honest about why I was so upset. I told him I wished I could just ask when I wanted to spend time with him, since S had a sitter. He said he had figured we would spend time together, and wanted to as well, and we eventually decided to spend some time together. We mostly just sat around, being lazy and watching TV - it's been a pretty high-stress week for both of us.
There was some emotion, and even some R talk (damn, I really need to work on that!). I had no idea that he would stay here, and I was a wee bit concerned because S was really sick and woke up about a dozen times - so both H and I were really tired this morning - although I stayed home with S from work and we all just kind of snoozed and lazed around. There was a lot of hand-holding and just cuddling and such... we talked about being confused as to what to do next in our lives. I just don't know.
Everything is a long way from a solid R right now, but the big D doesn't feel quite so imminent either. It oddly feels as if I have a lot to do with the outcome here...at least, I know I could negatively affect it, for sure.
Sage posted on someone's thread about how her H's complaints were "not having enough space/privacy and too many fights." That's almost exactly what my H's problems with us are, that and my not seeming happy when he is here. My goals are still the same - find some sort of time to see the doctor about AD's and a referral to a counselor, and settle into my apt.
I keep coming back to what Michele says about physical violence, though. While it is by no means something that has been frequent, about three fights have gotten to that point, and I would be interested in a qualified opinion as to whether a R/M that has EVER gotten to that point is worth working on.
I feel like we (H and I) still have a lot of love for each other, but I feel he is very afraid having tried once and been burned. He may still file for the big D, and I will do my best to handle that with grace and dignity. In fact, I would say that one of my major goals is to handle everything with H with grace and dignity. I don't want to repeat our dysfunctions over and over...the anger really is my issue, and I am willing and able to work on that. I can't change my H. If he really wants this D, I can't stop it. But I can continue to work on my own metamorphosis, and trust my instincts to tell me when it is time to let go, or to move closer.
Would a moderator be willing to comment on whther or not it is appropriate for me to DB? I am by no means the victim of any sort of abuse - I feel like our conflicts have gotten out of hand, but it's hard for me to be objective. My thoughts are to take things very slow, get some counseling, keep moving forward with my life, but being open to any of my H's overtures. Any thoughts?
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Well, that is a big NO COMMENT! S is over his touch of fever, so I didn't have to call H this morning to take care of him during the day today. I think I am going to let him get in touch with me today. It is technically supposed to be his night with S, but we haven't firmly started that yet, and he didn't mention anything about it last night when I talked to him, so we'll see. One of the things I want to be different about this S is me not being the orchestrator of his visits with S. He needs to make the firm arrangements to see him, and my criteria for him seeing me is that he actually ask/hint/invite me or show up at my place...I am not just going to be Ms. Readily Available this time.
My Cainer scope for the day seems to me to emphasize the importance of concentrating on myself: You need to be all that you have the potential to be. And you also need to be brave. Do you have nerves of steel? You may be about to find out! What began as a light, inspired and exciting undertaking has developed into a tense scenario which is stretching confidence and optimism to the limit. The Full Moon in your sign has obliged you to look at vital issues. It now suggests that you had better look to your highest priority; honour that at all costs and ignore absolutely everything (and everyone) else for the time being.
I have a new keychain that says "The only way to pass the test is to take the test." Well, I guess this particular season in my life is a test. Those are my thoughts for the day, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
On second reading, I think this scope could refer to my M as well, and the need to listen to my head and heart. I just got some really helpful input via e-mail that I need to mull over before I reply.
An interesting and tiny little detail...with my new phone package I get a second phone number that has a "Distinctive Ring" (that's what the service is called), so that it sounds different when someone uses that number. That is the new number I gave to H, so I will know when it's him calling w/o looking at caller ID and will have a second to collect myself/and or let it go to the machine if I can't handle him right then. It's funny - he still always asks "where were you" when I don't get to the phone. Bleagh - I am just trying to relax today. H makes me tense right now. Not crazy angry tense, just nervous tense. Hugs, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
!!! Whoops, there's that child referencing again!!! Just checking in to see how things are today.....