If you took 100 people and asked them to list out everything that was important in a marriage...then asked them to prioritize those things...I wonder what that list would look like.
Because it seems to me that at the core...the very core...would be someone that is committed, loyal, dependable, and that will be by your side for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, until death do you part.
In fact, that would really have to be number one, right? I mean, no one says "It would be more important that my spouse kept a tidy house, even if they leave me after 15 years at least I'll remember how tidy the house used to be". That wouldn't make sense.
No, commitment is the number one priority in a marriage.
So when a WAS goes and shacks up with another person, they can have a lot. And when you look at the surface I'm sure it's great, I'm sure they're having a great honeymoon phase. But no matter what, they can NEVER rebuild the commitment they had, because they've already broke one vow to God, hard to just say "but this time I mean it!" I mean, if you can't honor vows after growing up together and having a family together, how are you going to honor them when you're just trying to ride the honeymoon wave?
My wonder is whether they'll be happy for 5-10 years and then devastated when they break up down the road...or whether they both know deep in their gut that it won't last and that it's horribly wrong and they've screwed up, so they're just trying to enjoy the honeymoon while they can because they know there will be hell to pay, and they're living in dread of the aftermath like someone drinking to a stupor when they know they have a big day at work the next day and reality will come pretty soon.
For me I would guess that I'd be sick the whole time. It wouldn't take until BD in 9 years to be devastated over the situation. I think I'd know from day one that something was horribly wrong, and that it wouldn't last, and that it was all just shoveling piles of chit into the hole that my committed relationship and family used to exist. Then again, that's why I'm not a WAS. It's possible that WAS's wouldn't feel the same sense of loss because maybe the commitment just doesn't mean as much to them, or they're not as sensitive to that, and they're comfortable just medicating away. Maybe they never believed they could make a relationship work so are just trying to have some good sex before they die.
I don't know. I guess it doesn't matter. That's just what I think about sometimes when I watch this crap. I'll never get it, and I'm glad for that.
As for you P, the reason you feel loss is because you lost your husband. Whether he died, turned into a lying cheater pants, or always was one and hid it from you...either way you THOUGHT you had a good man, and now you don't. That is the loss. You lost the perception of a good partner in your life. That is the toughest loss in the world. And along with it goes a lot of faith in humanity, and that sits in your gut the way the futility of the rebound must sit in theirs. So it doesn't matter how full your life is now, or how big of a jerk he is. It will hurt.
And you've lost the 'witness' to your life. The other person that can be there to see you experience the suffering and adversity you go through, and that can share some of the good moments. The person that knows your inside jokes, that knows who you were when you were 20, and that saw you grow over the years. The person that knows all of your childhood stories, your traditions, the things that used to matter. All of the values and feelings you could never explain, that have to be observed for decades to encapsulate. This man knew you, and now that witness is gone. That's very hard.
Which is why DB forums are so great. We can start to know you know. We can be your witness. We are here knowing what you are going through, and learning more and more who you are.
I don't know how I would've gotten through without them. I hope they give you some comfort as your world continues to rock.
Thanks for posting updates P and keep hanging in.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
