A Glass of Myrrlo

[Lyrael]

Sometimes I hesitate to post positives, because I don't quite know what to think of them.

My H spent the night here last night, and didn't leave until today around two. We had kind of a crappy phone convo last night, and I was going to go to the movies alone, and then I decided to be honest about why I was so upset. I told him I wished I could just ask when I wanted to spend time with him, since S had a sitter. He said he had figured we would spend time together, and wanted to as well, and we eventually decided to spend some time together. We mostly just sat around, being lazy and watching TV - it's been a pretty high-stress week for both of us.

There was some emotion, and even some R talk (damn, I really need to work on that!). I had no idea that he would stay here, and I was a wee bit concerned because S was really sick and woke up about a dozen times - so both H and I were really tired this morning - although I stayed home with S from work and we all just kind of snoozed and lazed around. There was a lot of hand-holding and just cuddling and such... we talked about being confused as to what to do next in our lives. I just don't know.

Everything is a long way from a solid R right now, but the big D doesn't feel quite so imminent either. It oddly feels as if I have a lot to do with the outcome here...at least, I know I could negatively affect it, for sure.

Sage posted on someone's thread about how her H's complaints were "not having enough space/privacy and too many fights." That's almost exactly what my H's problems with us are, that and my not seeming happy when he is here. My goals are still the same - find some sort of time to see the doctor about AD's and a referral to a counselor, and settle into my apt.

I keep coming back to what Michele says about physical violence, though. While it is by no means something that has been frequent, about three fights have gotten to that point, and I would be interested in a qualified opinion as to whether a R/M that has EVER gotten to that point is worth working on.

I feel like we (H and I) still have a lot of love for each other, but I feel he is very afraid having tried once and been burned. He may still file for the big D, and I will do my best to handle that with grace and dignity. In fact, I would say that one of my major goals is to handle everything with H with grace and dignity. I don't want to repeat our dysfunctions over and over...the anger really is my issue, and I am willing and able to work on that. I can't change my H. If he really wants this D, I can't stop it. But I can continue to work on my own metamorphosis, and trust my instincts to tell me when it is time to let go, or to move closer.

Would a moderator be willing to comment on whther or not it is appropriate for me to DB? I am by no means the victim of any sort of abuse - I feel like our conflicts have gotten out of hand, but it's hard for me to be objective. My thoughts are to take things very slow, get some counseling, keep moving forward with my life, but being open to any of my H's overtures. Any thoughts?