Life 2.0

[Painter]

Hi Phoebe and everyone - I slept decently last night, then spent all morning on the phone until I had to be at work and worked until late tonight.

I've been crying more or less all the time since Thursday. The tears were just streaming down even while I was at work today. I take meds (Xanax type), but they're not stopping the tears. They make the pit in my stomach a little less intense. I actually feel dehydrated from all the crying.

I can't eat very much, so a hard-boiled egg and a little ice cream is all I've gotten down in the last few days. Fortunately, I wanted to lose some weight anyway. I take my vitamins to stay healthy.

I talked to H twice today. It started off badly with him hanging up on me several times (trying to avoid what he knew was coming), then we had two decent conversations. He's still trying to lie and claims that he didn't tell me because he doesn't want to hurt me. After talking for quite a while, he suggested to call me tomorrow morning when he's driving for an hour to a meeting tomorrow morning.

I cried quite a bit on the phone and he said his heart is breaking over hearing me so sad. He also sent me an e-mail about how bad he feels. I think he deserves a little heartbreak and I hope it soured his evening with OW. When I asked him if she knew that I didn't know she had moved in, he said 'Eh, well, she knows now'.

He said the first week after I left was that painful for him, so he said he knew how I felt.

She's been living in our house for 3 weeks. I left 5 weeks ago. She moved up with furniture and they've rearranged the whole house. He claims it wasn't decided until after I left, which obviously is a lie.

I am sick to my stomach thinking about all the personal paperwork I still have there, my Christmas decorations, my other things that she gets to rifle through while H is at work.

He said he wanted a Suzy Homemaker (I said 'Suzy Homewrecker is more like it') and that she gets up at 4:30am to make him lunch every day. She lives only for him, it seems, a real, old-fashioned housewife which is what he wanted. Wonder how long that will last. It does get lonely to do everything by yourself and serve on someone else and make them the focus of your life.

I said it was hard to understand that it was what he wanted when he kept saying I needed to get a job.

I don't know why I'm so devastated. I really thought I was further ahead. I think it's that she moved in took all hope away for any reconciliation in my mind. But why would I want to reconcile with this man? I'm at a loss over myself. I'm seeing my counselor tomorrow at 5pm.

I was thinking that it feels like that when I was with H, I was somebody and now I am nobody. I know it's a weird feeling because I normally have good self-esteem and am active and involved in many things, but now it feels like there is no reason for my existence.

Unfortunately, my SD did not handle the situation well and made me look bad to H and possibly OW. She knows she didn't tell them the truth and I called her on it and said that although I understand she felt she had to choose, it wasn't necessary to say bad things about me to them. I told her I was very sad and sorry about everything and wished her the very best.