continued detachment, anxiety, and joys of limbo

[Phoebe]

SH, I will look up those talks tomorrow. I promise. And I will try harder. I'm just not quite there right now.

I know you want me to feel better, SH, and I will, just not this moment. There are times when I'm just going to be sad. I Know that I am going to be OK, even if I'm not sure how to get there every day.

I journal what I do and experience and then how I feel about those things. If I report something that sounds down, it's because I already feel that way, and not the other way around. So, while I completely agree about positive self-talk, I'm not totally sure that negative self-talk is what I've been doing, either. I feel more like I'm sorting things out. I have to put on my brave face and pretend that I'm OK all day long so that people don't feel bad for me or uncomfortable around me. Most days recently I really am doing OK, but some days I'm not, and that's not because of anything I write.

I'd rather not have to pretend to be brave all the time here, too.

I'm struggling more the last few days because meeting people is hard for me. I know I need to do it, but it reminds me that I have always struggled to form friendships, and that tap dances on the same nerves that are already sensitive because of my best friend and H's rejection of me. It reminds me of what I discovered when I started writing down my loss history. Friendships have been associated with painful losses through my life, and yet now I have to seek them out.

So, anyway, SH. I very much appreciate your concern and support. I'll try to do more positive self-talk, and I will go find those talks. Meanwhile, I hope you won't hold me to continuing my acting here, too. This has been my refuge for what I can't share anywhere else.