I think it's a double negative here... She's definitely the "controlling" one, but she'd never see it that way. I'm much more laid back, whatever happens happens guy. And probably, my lack of taking charge, and decision making in the home life is part of what led us here. Taking charge at work? No problem. But once done working, I got too relaxed, careless.
The only other way I'd do it, is to tell her she has 1 week to gather herself if she doesn't feel comfortable in the master with me. And at set date (3 days, 5 days, whatever), I go back in master no matter what.
That would allow get time to get the 20thousand items she needs to get ready into some sort of bag and move them into the other room. And it would still show that I'm making the call, but is that allowing too much leniency? Kindness is weakness?
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
It would also be a 180 for me to call her out in the EA when I tell her I'm transferring billing over on her cell phone... "you might wanna go sign those cause the bills contain all your texts and calls you've made, and might need for documentation"... But not quite sure we're ready for that yet.
I'm in the guest bedroom now and was told by many to "man up" and get back into the MBR. But for me that would come accords as more of the same. My controlling ways, etc So DB coach suggested based on my situation to stay where I'm at
I've been a guest room for 4 weeks now We spend a lot of time together but I feel like a roommate My situation is a little different. Mine is more about showing lasting changes My W doesn't believe my changes will last so it's about time She doesn't know this but my plan is to give another 4 weeks and continue to just work on me. If I don't see her taking steps back towards romantic relationship I will move out and move on
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
If I don't see her taking steps back towards romantic relationship I will move out and move on
I get it. The "time to make your move" tho, seems like much more of an ART than a SCIENCE. Each sitch is slightly different, so there is no definitive 'time' to do it, it's all relative. I think you'd be right in setting a date, 4-weeks, 8-weeks, etc, and say, "I'm moving back in the master br in x days..."
OH, better yet, since you're perceived as the controller, make her think she's the one making the decision. phrased more like, "I've been staying in the spare BR for a while now, and I feel like I'm really dedicated to making changes XYZ. What would it take, for you to consider my moving back into the Master BR? You don't have to respond right now, but just think about it and get back with me. okay?"
Then it puts the ball in her court. and you can set a 'mental timeline' for you to ask her again in however many days/weeks you deem necessary.
An update on me... W came home last night "for good", she said. She got home late after teaching a class, and then hitting the grocery, which she had texted earlier we needed to discuss money/etc. I told her I assume, you're still "out" of the marriage, it should be my stuff, your stuff, my bills, your bills, etc. Obviously, if you want some food or snack or whatever, we are friends and I don't mind sharing knickknacks. She immediately went back and said 'I don't know why we're rushing all teh bills and stuff, like do you want to go ahead and transfer things into my name?", and I said, "I don't know why not?" She got frustrated and said she doesn't want to rush anything. I didn't push it because I know it'll come up in a few days.
She wasn't wearing her ring, but that's common after she teaches a class (Y0g@ instructor), so I'll keep an eye on that - I wouldn't be surprised if she took it off to see how long it'd take me to notice (she thinks I don't pay attention to her).
I knew she was going to try to 'make things hard' for me once moving back home. And, she is [trying] for sure. Last night, some of the conversation starters were: "You never loved me","You never cared for me","I still don't think you understand what I'm feeling"... and then the fun stuff, "I'm sorry if this hurts your feelings, and I'm not trying to be mean, but... I don't find you sexually attractive anymore...at all". (it didn't)
Then the "friends" stuff came out. "I feel like we've only just been best friends, not lovers", "If you want to eat some of my food, just do it because we're friends, and that's how it should be", and "we'll always be good/close friends regardless whether we stay together or do get a divorce" ...What!?!?? wtf. okay.
Then later that night, she told me "I'm going out of town on Sunday for XYZ, and the next weekend I'm going to up [another state] to visit a friend for the weekend fri-sun. I said, 'okay, thanks for letting me know.' I haven't brough up anything else yet, but friends don't pay for other friends to take vacations and such. Friends don't pay for other friend's car payments. and friend's ... nm, you get it.
--- This morning, She came with the fire! I woke up early, ran, made breakfast, meditated, it was a great start to the day. Didn't offer her breakfast because the night before it was suggested we wouldn't be cooking for one another or eating together (i guess friends don't do that either, i dunno). But she had to come down in her robe and rummage through her car in the garage for clothes that she brought back from her parents. I had the dog leashes in my hand when she started, and I said "hey, don't rush, I'm just going to take the dogs out the front door." And this apparently didn't sit well.... Now I know I should've just not said ANYthing and done my thing in silence.
She said it made her feel like she was in my way, then she started blasted about "if you'd only communicate to me in full sentences this kind of stuff wouldn't happen." (I'm pretty sure what I said was a full sentence), then she just started yelling and cursing and rambling on about all kinds of random problems from our past and how she now realizes how many things we would have to work on and how it's not worth it, etc etc etc.
Some of her complaints, I couldn't even think of a way to validate - due to the absurdity of them. I was literally thinking, ummm, is this even validate(able)? and I'm pretty sure I found more than one that was not. Anyways. I knew it was coming, and I hope she got to vent out a little more this morning. It didn't, hasn't, and won't affect my day at all.
