Phoebe, I just realized that there is more than one book on this, and I may be confusing some people! I have not read the other one. ... I am not sure if you should read it. What does your gut tell you? I guess I am one that thinks that more info is always a good thing. However, will reading it be a trigger for you? Will it make you think more about him and over analyze things? Will that be hurtful for you? If so, maybe wait on it.
I just want to clarify that I am not stereotyping men that are nice people. I am simply referring to a type of man that fits into several categories that I have read about. Unfortunately, those categories can lead to depression, low self esteem, and having As and failed Rs. I think the more we can understand why this is happening, and the more these men can identify these patterns in themselves, the sooner they can heal and make better choices for themselves. My H has been working hard on this--it is very slow and difficult process--and I see many positive changes and hope. I think if he can recover and gain his independence, we can ultimately have a stronger M. I am also learning to accept and love the changes.
Unbowed, I wrote you a message and lost it! So I will try and remember. You have really had me thinking more about this. Although now that I see there is more than one book, I am wondering if we are referring to the same one? Trying not to break board rules and title it here.
You asked what my 180s were that he noticed most. I think it was when I finally learned to DB more consistently--to create space for myself, GAL, and when I was thinking about moving on without him. Just overall detaching and focusing on me and kids. When I got upset and angry, or when I ignored him, it further justified in his mind that he didn't want to be with me. He could further point the finger and blame me for my behavior. When I left him alone and started to plan moving on without him, he then got scared of losing me and started to realize he missed me.
He also had to come to these conclusions himself. He did a lot of rewriting of history and blamed me; he told me that I made him unhappy, I took him for granted, and that he deserved better. What he was doing was running from our life together and looking elsewhere for happiness. What he wasn't doing was looking inside himself, and before he left he didn't tell me clearly what he wanted and needed all those years. He was trying to be a nice guy and a people pleaser.
Well it didn't take him long to realize that he was not happy with OW. He was miserable with her. He was scared to leave her because she was his only friend left. She also told him what he wanted to hear. It was all very superficial and his same personal issues resurfaced in that R. So, he really couldn't blame me for the mess that he created. The longer he has been out of that sitch--over a year now--the more he sees what a mess he was and that he never loved her. She is a trainwreck.
When he came back around it was because his life was crashing around him rapidly. I was started to move on, he missed me, the family together, and things feeling normal. He had been scared to come back because 1. I was angry and pushed him away, 2. He was scared I would never forgive him, and 3. He was scared to admit that he had made a terrible mistake. There was a pride issue as well. So when we had normal interactions and he saw that I was cordial, not interested any more, and moving on without him, that is when he was terrified and did his own 180. It happened fast that he came running back--in 1-2 weeks--and in my gut I knew that was it.
So when we started working on things we both read the same book. He could relate to something on every page! He could have been president of the nice guy club. This was a huge eye opener and he has been working on it ever since. Like I said, it has been good for both of us. I don't want to be married to a doormat and he needs his own life and identity outside of our family. He is still learning out all this is going to work and I am still learning to love him.
Unbowed, you mentioned that you are a recovering nice guy and that your W may not be taking well to it, is that correct? Did you start your work after she started to ask for separation or before? Is there any possibility of an A with her? I think each of those things could have a different affect on her, depending on your sitch. I will read up on your thread as well!
-Blu
Last edited by Cristy; 05/25/1602:17 PM. Reason: As stated in our OnLine Community Board Rules, we do not allow recommendations of non-DivorceBusting books / websites / blogs etc
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
