Focus on me and my boys

[CWOL]

Anger, resentment are normal feelings. Wait until you feel hate! I go back n forth and then feel sad for her which my IC is trying to rid me off...says its not normal at this stage.

I have the same feelings constantly, especially the anger and hatred now. How do you guys deal with these? My AD helped me get over the sadness and depression, but I find that resentment and anger has actually increased. How do you or can you channel this negative energy positively to help yourself? Is it just time?

[SH_]

Vanilla has some great insight into anger, different types of anger and how it can be channeled for good.

Seek her thoughts as they helped me.

[dream]

STBX made the statement that she would not stop me from moving with the boys to another state if I had a new job offer. Well then why is she fighting for custody?

I doubt this to be true if it actually happened. Because if it was, she would just leave.

She's saying a lot of things. She's re-writing history. Don't believe what she says. Watch what she does.

When do you move into the new place?

I agree that strengthening your validation skills will be helpful. Reflect back to her, without agreeing or disagreeing. Wonka has a great post with wonderful phrases to use in the validation cheat sheet thread.

A few examples:
-"I am gonna have to think about that a little more"
-"I am sorry that you feel that way"
-"I can understand why you would be upset"

[rich4j]

V,



Rich,

I have also felt hate! Gosh, it's not like I did not want to have a vibrant life also. But 5 small kids doesn't really allow that. So although she is blaming a lot of this stuff on me, I think she has some serious issues she has to deal with.

Jim (and also cWol) ---no easy answer to the resentment and hate piece.
These feelings are natural as our lives have been uprooted and shaken from the core. Then there is no remorse and lashing out. And then there is blame...it is all your fault. I got that last week again and its a vicious cycle of blame to make herself feel better that any infidelity or any of this leaving the marriage is not her (insert his where needed!) fault.

You will find that she/he will also find friends to help them validate this mess and say you"need to find hapiness".

So pile on the monkey. And this boils up into going from loving and wanting to fix a broken marriage to hate (at least for me)

How do you get thru this? No idea yet. Days I don't hate or resent and days I am so disgusted I want to puke

Being disconnected (DB'ing) and the less you see them and have to interact with help with the hate (in my case). When i am away for 3-4 days or she is I dont need to deal with her and just focus on my and the kid.

[J5K]

I am struggling today. Did not sleep until 2 am and woke up at 6:30 am.

I have 1.5 weeks to get all my things packed out of my house and into an apartment. More money spent. She does not work and we continue draining the bank account. How can the courts let this happen? How is it that she doesn't see this is hurting the boys. Why does the nice guy have to fold. I am trying to stay strong and she continues to be spiteful to me in hopes that I fold.

An enabling MIL does not make this easier. I pray that I am doing the right thing and that somehow I will survive this whole fiasco.

[Painter]

I am so sorry. Not much sleep here, either, and I've taken meds but no food, so not doing so well.

Do you not have a financial agreement in place or some kind of support arranged?

[CWOL]

Yes, have you split up at least the cash portion? Or have a separation agreement in place? At least keep tabs of the cash drains so it can be assigned to her half of the assets later on, on "judgment day."
I understand your predicament perfectly, as I am in the same spot. I should have moved to the South when I had the chance and get in a state that is not no-fault! It's terrible us LBH with wives that don't work very much. We get the double whammy of being betrayed and also our life savings drained. This is where my anger and hatred comes from, how the stupid laws grant her so much reward for her wayward behavior.

[J5K]

Painter,

There is no financial agreement in place. STBX feels her job is a SAHM so we have been a single income family since we have been M. She could not get a job until she became a US citizen and made every excuse to not get one after she became a citizen. I shrugged it off as she kept everything in tip top shape at home. Soon after we became foster parents, adopted and started our family.

The only way to make this better is to give her the gift of raising the boys and for me to move to Toronto to be present for my sons. I could put an agreement together to get it done but idk what is better. I always had a concern on how we would survive in Toronto but was willing to take the chance. Little did I know that was her exit strategy from this MR with the help of her enabling mother.

Whether I stay here in Michigan or move up there I feel my recovery of the loss of the M will take the same amount of time. But moving up there would be keeping my commitment to her and showing her that I still care and love her since her LL is acts of service. I struggle as to how much of this will still make me look like a doormat in her eyes or if she will respect me just as a person and not necessarily and H. But since I found out about the PA that she basically threw in my face I don't feel like she deserves to cake eat anymore than she has.

I hurt so much everyday for my boys and for how she is being spiteful to me for my mistakes. I am losing the energy to fight for them but am doing my best.

My L keeps pushing me to stay the course. Summer is soon upon us and these 5 little guys will be in an apartment complex and will want to run around all day. STBX does not take them to parks here. Her excuse is that there is sand at one park and that she saw needles yet this little town is an upper middle class area. She will not let the boys be boys.

The parks in Toronto have padding to protect the kids as they play so that is what she is used to. I was so excited about moving and wished that she would have been a little more patient with me. I reacted emotionally and hurt her and now she just pushes back and hurts me more with this PA which I have told her I forgive her. I know I don't deserve it and neither does she. I cannot allow her sense of entitlement run this family whether D'd or not.

I guess I will have to plan enough activities and GALing with the boys this summer to ensure we are not stuck in a small apartment. At least there is a swimming pool there for them to have a great time as they love the water.

[J5K]

She does not spend any of the marital money unless it is for the hotel she stays in when it is my nights with the boys or unless it is gas for her to go back and forth to Toronto. She lives off her parents and OM if he is still around which I assume he is.

Ugh, I just get disgusted and sick to my stomach knowing she is out there just doing whatever she damn well pleases.

[CWOL]

That's good that she doesn't spend marital money on anything else, but I hope you are keeping an accounting of the money as well. I'm surprised your L didn't address a financial plan to make sure the expenses are being tracked and covered against the spend.

Yes, I sympathize with your feelings. My WW is doing the same thing as well. Hopefully people are right, and that karma will come back and mete out punishment to those who stray.