continued detachment, anxiety, and joys of limbo

[Phoebe]

Well, it's time to start a new thread. Again. I'm over 5 months into this saga now, and the limbo goes on and on and on and...

Here's my last thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2677139&page=1

I'll skip the summary, except to say that there has been almost complete NC for weeks now. My life is all my own these days, with the suspended sentence of waiting for the other shoe to drop. No sign of a D being filed so far, but I brace myself every time I go to the mailbox.

I have been doing pretty well, but insomnia remains a struggle sometimes, as is the shaking of my hands. At first my whole body was shaking, so that's progress. I had thought I was doing better, but now I may ask my GP to increase my AD meds again. I am definitely down again.

So I got an email today from the woman I am still deciding if I can be friends with, and she told me that she turned down my invitation to go on a hike with me because she found our (Mine and H's) online hiking journals and decided she could never keep up with me.

I never even considered my past hiking experience as a cause for a rejected invitation.

So, the Misfit Toy Syndrome strikes again, I guess.

It also reminded me of how much that part of my life means to me and how every single memory of all those months of backpacking is tied up with my H. No idea how to approach all of those memories. They were something I treasured. Now... just thinking about them made me cry. Again. What the he11? I made it 8 days between waterworks sessions, and now twice in 2 days? At least I can breathe normally through these tears and it's not the tsunami of grief again like yesterday.

Sorry, just having a bit of a rough patch the last couple days. I do have many more good days than bad now, but apparently the roller coaster ride still descends sometimes.

I'm tired, both physically and mentally.

In better news, a different woman that I met on yesterday's tree hike sent me a message saying she would like to get together to go on a hike! That's at least something positive. Someone who likes to hike and who is also interested in trees and birds. I guess we'll arrange a place and time, but a least that may lead to a hiking partner sometimes. (This one doesn't know my full name, and therefore can't go find my hiking journals, so I've got that going for me.) Relative anonymity has its benefits, apparently.