betterm, My STBX thinks that her full time job is to be a SAHM . Stay focused on you and keep your balls!
at least yours had kids to take care of, mine just thought it was okay to be a Stay at home wife (with no kids)... This went on for a while during unemployment, which I was totally fine with, but when she couldn't find a job she wanted as it ran out, a lot of problems arose. She completely lost her path and confidence. Codependency hit hard.
Well, I've worked my butt off in so many ways this weekend. I'm gonna kick back, watch some Arrested Development and take it easy for the night. Thanks to everyone on this forum, your a wonderful support group. Thank you.
What weird start to the day, I'm feeling a little bit discombobulated with her decision to "come home for good." She won't be home until after 9 tonight, so it really shouldn't be much different, as I'm trying to change my sleeping habits to be sleeping by 10 so I can wakeup between 5-530AM and not feel dead.
I have not heard from her any changes on "wanting to work on us", so I'm taking this as a 'live-in roommate' situation, and nothing more. I could use a quick refresh on how to handle the following:
1. Money - I bring in over 80% of marital-income. Should I continue with a 'separate checking account', and start paying all the bills out of that account, she has car-loan in her name, but I'm the co-signer. That car payment (plus insurance), would take up about 75% of HER income. I already did the math, I could consume ownership of EVERY bill we have, and still be leftover with plenty to spare, but I don't think that's the right thing to do. What should she be paying for? Should we go strictly to a "my money / your money" financial system?
2. Morning and meal prep: I'm starting a new workout program, and diet to go with it. That means, waking up early, cooking good real food in the mornings, prepping meals, dinners, etc. If a "guest" was staying in my house and I was making an egg omelet with avocado or something, I would probably just make one for him/her as my guest. Do I treat this the same way with her staying back in the home?
3. I just know, since there have been NO boundaries talks, I will NOT be able to keep her out of the master bathroom. After I workout in the AM, I'm going to march upstairs and walk my naked butt into the master bath, and hop in the shower. Then I'm gonna take my nakedness and shake it all over the master bathroom while I dry out. (I'm laughing as I'm typing this, lol). I would actually be comfortable doing this in front of a stranger, so doesn't matter to me. So, is it up to HER to decide if she wants to be around my nakie body? ...this is kinda funny.
I'm sure I'll have more to follow up with as the day goes on and I think about more situational possibilities... but all for now.
I don't really have any answers for you. I think your wife has a lot more "game playing" in store for you because you're relatively early in the process. I wouldn't willingly fund her activities during this period of time because she'll take you for everything that she can.
What I wonder about is the fact that this has happened so early in your marriage. I don't know much about WW (or maybe WAW) psychology, but I have to wonder why this came about at such an early stage in your marriage. I'm not saying that you've done anything wrong; it's just that it seems like the WW/WAW behavior generally occurs at later stages in the marriage. Has she remained in contact with an old boyfriend or is she the victim of childhood abuse of some sort?
I don't know that it's important to understand the psychology behind it, but it just seems odd that it's happening so early in marriage and there are no children. Again, I'm not pointing any fingers, I don't think you've done anything wrong; I just wonder if your situation is a little different than the typical WW.
My gut is saying that you shouldn't pay for her car/insurance at least until you reach a point of legitimate piecing. Same for regularly cooking for her. I feel like that would make things too easy for her, and even though she may be back in the home if she is not remorseful/piecing you want her to have the opportunity to experience what losing you will really be like.
Nudity is one of the things I have kept shifting stance on since BD a couple months ago. I've gone through phases of sleeping nude or in shorts, wrapping a towel around my waist when she is nearby, to walking around commando like king of the world. I ended up deciding that "hiding myself" or "flaunting myself" didn't feel like the right approach. Currently I sleep in my comfy and stylish new underwear (because comfy), and in the morning I do whatever I need to get ready - I just do my thing while getting ready efficiently. After showering I don't blitz to get out of my birthday suit, but I don't linger naked either.
Good job on the healthy meal prep!
Me, WW - Upper 30s BD - Apr 1 2016 EA - Apr 7 2016 (discovered; ongoing for months; did not confront right away) Confronted wife about EA - May 17 Wife sent NC email to OM - July 11
EDF - I don't plan to "flaunt" or "hide", I just plan to do what is natural, so if that means she sneeks a peak, fine by me. I'm just gonna do my thing and however she wants to react to that, great, don't care.
Doodler - I wonder the same thing, and even brought it up to our MC in front of her, and again when she asked me to "sit in" on one of her individual counseling sessions. Her response is "I've tried for SO LONG to try and get you to realize I'm hurting and you've just ignored me." I understand "so long" is not a measurable amount, and in her world, it just means that she's had enough and isn't going to 'wait' any longer. She wanted immediate change, and she wanted it a year ago, i get that. but that's just not possible anymore and I can only work from present day to better myself.
You bring up a good point on the WW vs WAW mentality and I'm honestly considering 'snooping' to figure out what exactly I'm dealing with. She has not kept in contact with any ex's, and she has not admitted to any A's. However, I think I told you all that I saw on the phone record, several hundred texts over a 7-10 period to OM shortly after she started a new job there. I didn't notice them until a friend said she was texted all night to someone during a girl's night, and I knew it wasn't me, because I was with her brother, and not texting". I snooped, found out the number, name, address, all the PII I could find on this guy, and he's married to, actually, got married 1 week after we did... coming up on two years... and I almost told his W, but resisted (thankfully). She was already blowing up and fuming with anger by the time I found this out, so there was no good way/time to bring it up where she wouldn't be defensive.
The problem is, I don't know what those texts consisted of, whether there was any physical A while at work, or after work (she gets done working about 2 1/2 hours before me), or anything of that nature. Honestly, I don't care if she cheated, etc, but I do want to know what was in those texts, because there is a part of me that feels like she is only running away from this because she's done something she is not only angry at herself for doing, but doesn't want to face the fire of owning up to it as well. My thing is, she did it on a phone, that I pay the bills on, almost like she WANTED to get caught making those texts.
So, I work in IT, I do a lot of security and forensic analysis on the side, I have software that can pull 'deleted texts' off of phones (because they aren't really deleted, only hidden). It can take about 10 minutes to do this, and I'm really really considering it just to find out if I'm dealing with a WAW who cheated and is full of angry guilt, or I'm just dealing with someone who's being unreasonable and giving up on a M too soon (the same thing she complained of over and over during her brother's divorce). Is it worth it? Should I? Should I not? Even if I find evidence of A, I don't plan to bring it up, and I've already (mentally) accepted that it may have happened, and tough-sh1t. So what?
I snooped, found out the number, name, address, all the PII I could find on this guy
Oh, and just FYI, She HAS STOPPED all her communication to this OM. He still texts her about 1-3 times a week, always just inbound texts, and she never texts back, it's been this way for almost a month now. I also know that she has not installed any "hiding" apps on her phone... the communication has literally seized on the phone... now, she may still be talking to him at work, I have no way of knowing that.
and doodler, none of the three A's in the R by me (abuse, affiar, addiction), really just been neglect of her emotions/feelings. I didn't understand what I was doing, didn't have the roadmap, etc. I was clueless how to respond to her, and ignored the thing I didn't understand (her). I do feel if this is truly all that's gone wrong, then she's giving up too easy, but if there is something else driving this, some other devil inside, then it's a different battle all together, and a little more understandable to me.
No need to explain the neglect, we've all done it and that's not really the issue. It's mostly a clever excuse for bad behavior.
I don't think you have to snoop to determine if she's having an affair; I think her behavior at this point should give you the answer. It may well be an EA and maybe a PA, but in my opinion, someone other than you has her heart.
I'm hoping others provide input because I'm new to this stuff so I shouldn't be making definite statements.
Lastly, if your snooping will cost you your job, then certainly don't do it. It's not worth losing your job over snooping.
It will not cost me my job. All the 'forensic' software I've purchased, is purely for my self-employed side gig. It does not pertain to my full time position at my primary employment. You may be right that 'someone else' has her heart, and if that's the case, then so be it.
I don't plan to have an R talk with her, but sometime very soon (before our next paycheck/period), I will have to have a "life" talk about what she considers "her bills" and what "mine". I know to pay all the house bills and expenses, it really just comes down to the car, auto-insurance, cell phone, etc. If she's unwilling to pay for the car though, and I'm the co-signer, the effect of defaulting on the loan lands in my lap, not hers...
I have another meeting scheduled with attorney on Wed morning and I hope she can shed some light on some of this. It's a different attorney than I used the first time, one referred to me by our family business's real-estate lawyer.
It's okay/good to have the life talk with her, and when she turns it into an R talk, just keep focus on the "life" part of it, and turn back to the ownership of debts/assets. right?
