have i been making mistakes too long part 7

[tkdmme]

I am going to start posting again and since I joined it has helped me a lot.

In reading about the effects of D, I have seen that it isn't out of the ordinary for a man to turn to drinking. However, I feel so ashamed for my recent behavior. I have a burning desire to better myself and I was well on my way at one point but something changed. I went from focusing on myself and my children to trying to find another woman to make me feel better. I play piano but for years during my marriage I stopped performing. I have picked it back up and I think it is a mistake. It is extra income but the booze and women are taking a toll on my soul. I know there is a good person in me somewhere but I cant seem to find him.

I have been having suicidal thoughts again. I could never do that to my children but I think of it every night. Its hard to admit but I am terrified of what will become of my life. My whole world was being a husband and father and now im just lost.

I know I sound like a whiny child so im going to shut up.