Need some help from the DB community! Crunch Time!

[JksD]

(((Cbtdad)))

Vent away here to take the edge off. Everyone's still angry.

[cbtdad]

Today I am going to just try and take a step back. I need to realize that never every little action or reaction means anything. I start having anxiety that just because we don't get along for a bit then it must be done.
This is telling me that I am mind reading and not detaching as well as I need to

I've got jury duty today and brought "The Solo Partner" with me
Plan on reading it and doing exercises through the day to kill time

[DDJ]

Cbtdad, you are the one that needs the space. Not her. You need time to clear your head. Realise what you want in life and whether you can actually move forward, with or without your W.

Right now you're going nowhere by stepping on eggshells. Forget how she feels, forget what she's thinking. What do you want in your life.

[cbtdad]

Very true!
I even told her I'm sick of walking on eggshells
That's the problem with the in home situation
One minute she's completely nice and everything is great. The next she is distant and cold
That's why I've gone back and forth about staying in house or not
I've decided I'm going to stay and do what's best for S at the moment
I've just got to let go of these little reactions and realize they don't mean anything major
It's comstint changes and actions that have meaning

I'm definitely doing a lot more myself and I have let go of what she is doing and who she is doing it with
That is getting better for sure

[cbtdad]

W and I had MC session this morning. The word of the day was SKEPTICAL. She must of said it 12 times. She even said she is seeing a lot of progress. But the problem is she doesn't believe it will last. She believes I carry too many demons from my past to overcome. Its very motivating and frustrating at the same time.
It really does seem that this all about time and patience.
Like my IC said she has become numb and doesn't want to let her guard down again. She doesn't want me to hurt her again.
All I can do is continue to work on me and the progression she sees

[cbtdad]

Oh another thing that really stuck out to me was that she said if I had started doing the things I'm doing a few months ago when she first tried to tell me these things then we wouldn't be where we are now.
She resents me at the moment for that

[DDJ]

Its all about her cbtdad, what about you? You can't take the blame for her not knowing what she wants.

Thats why Acc said that you need a fresh perspective and she needs one too. She is stuck in the past and so are you. You will need to start from 0 if you want to keep your W, if she wants to stay really.

I was considering moving out myself for that same POV, but after the wknd away I know that I am strong enough to see this through until I kick my WW out. I am not ready for D yet, but need to be strong enough to make that decision, if it comes to that.

[cbtdad]

I'm not taking the blame for her not wanting what she wants
She knows what she wants. She wants a husband who doesn't criticize her, control her, who trusts her, who doesn't verbally abuse her.
She has said this many times.
This is what I was waiting for from her
I got the reasoning and what needs to happen
When she is happy I'm actually happy and she does give me what I want
I'm man enough to admit that I screwed up
I'm man enough to realize that after I'm learning about control and my issues that I see where we are
Now if in another 4 weeks she isn't working her part of the cycle then yes
I will move forward and do what I have to do
But everything I'm seeing from her, her actions, are telling me that she wants the marriage and me, but is afraid I will hurt her again

[cbtdad]

Also
If my wife was involved in an affair I would be treating this completely different and would have already locked her out and dropped the rope

[DDJ]

cbtdad, I get that you're using your emotions and she hers, when you interact. Thats perhaps the problem. You need to act as-if she does not want away, what does that cbtdad look like?

As for you hurting her, I've not gone back far enough in your history, but there is only one person here that broke the others heart. Yesterday I could not get the following thought out of my head for my WW "why did she not give me a chance to fix the problems that she thought I was adding to the M - why did she have to cheat on me." But she did not give me that chance. I cannot give her another chance to break my heart again.

My mother always brings up that when her father meted out punishment he used to say that it's going to hurt him more than it's going to hurt you. I think that's what tough love is about. Standing up for what you believe in and sticking to it, even if the ones that you love get hurt. My plan is to take a sabbatical from my WW for at least a year until she grovels and cries to get back into the M. I am not doing this for her, but because I believe it is the right and best thing for me.

Sorry if i'm rambling, hope you find food for thought in it...