A Glass of Myrrlo

[Lyrael]

Pam - Glad to see you!
Here's a glass for you...
I am feeling extremely calm and centered - although life is very weird right now.

For some reason, my H and I can talk, relate as people, support each other, and be loving AS LONG AS WE DON"T LIVE TOGETHER. To be honest, I feel sort of scandalous right now. We did less work tonight than just hanging out, relaxing with each other and with Rhane, sharing off and on about how hard this is for both of us. Then there was snuggling, back-rubbing, and damn, I have no clue how it happened.

Without pressure, we do fine. I can't do anything more right now - no staying over, no living together. I think our D will probably happen, and maybe we will grow more apart naturally, or maybe we will grow more together.
I know that the most positive direction I can see is me working on myself so that I can be the kind, calm Myrrh all the time.

You see, I have realized something. Whether it is due to the abuse of my childhood, or just some quirk in my character, I panic when I feel like someone is too close. I lose myself, and the ability to take care of myself. I had no trouble this evening asserting my needs and getting them met - as Karen812 would say, I was aiming for only a 4 evening and somehow had a ten. But I have no doubt that if Dustin moved back tomorrow, the stomach-churning fear and the deep, deep anger would be back.

I have lots of work to do on myself to find out why closeness and commitment frighten me. This is kind of a big insight. I hope Dustin and I can maintain a friendship, and if I continually maintain my expectations at friendship, I believe I may be pleasantly surprised by how good a friend my H can be.

I also feel like i need to prepare myself for one or both of us simply outgrowing the relationship and moving on - that may happen. But the more independent and me-focused (diff from being selfish) I can be, the better I think things in general, in my life will be.

I shared a vision of a happy future today with TripleJ, and it didn't include any specific people (except my S, of course), just em enjoying my life and being happy. That will happen no matter where my sitch wanders.
Love to you all and a warm and happy welcome to the new abode
Myrrh

[Lyrael]

Well, in true Myrrh form, I am obsessing a bit about last night. Did I screw up by being warm, affectionate, and close with my husband? Am I just opening myself to some sort of empty affair? Is he using me, or does he love me and is just really confused about all of this? Bottom line is, I don't see last night as a babystep or any sort of step at all.

In fact, I am just extremely confused. I am doing a 180 in telling him that I am trying to be his friend instead of anything else, and actually following through with this apartment thing - really leaving for the first time - is a big 180 as well.

I need to feel some pursuit here - I don't think he came over with any intention of what happened last night happening, but maybe he really is just playing games with me. AUGH!

Anyway, the original plan was for him to help me tonight, but i feel like I need some space to think. I don't want to call him today, and I don't really need to. I can call him tomorrow to make sure he made the call for power in my new apt. Not calling him all the time will be a big 180 for me.

I am trying not to focus on him right now - last night felt really good to me - snuggling and being close - and if that's the last memory I have of him, then so be it.
I just know that I don't want to be in a relationship with no commitment forever. I guess I don't have to worry about that yet, though, do I?
Hugs,
Myrrh

[TripleJ]

Well, in true Myrrh form, I am obsessing a bit about last night. Did I screw up by being warm, affectionate, and close with my husband? Am I just opening myself to some sort of empty affair? Is he using me, or does he love me and is just really confused about all of this? Bottom line is, I don't see last night as a babystep or any sort of step at all.
So, stop obsessing about it. Myrrh, remember, you need to concentrate on you. I am very happy that things went well for you last night in the affection department. But take it slow. And no, I don't think you screwed up, it let you know that he still cares for you and you him. I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

In fact, I am just extremely confused. I am doing a 180 in telling him that I am trying to be his friend instead of anything else, and actually following through with this apartment thing - really leaving for the first time - is a big 180 as well.
just keep focusing on those goals that you listed the other day. 180s are good, as long as they are working.

I need to feel some pursuit here - I don't think he came over with any intention of what happened last night happening, but maybe he really is just playing games with me. AUGH!
Lets slow down here Myrrh. We all want and need to feel the pursuit. If you don't receive it, don't give up. I can only think of a few people here on the BB who are actually being pursued, but very few. But what happened last night was nice, just I wouldn't expect it every time, IMHO

Anyway, the original plan was for him to help me tonight, but i feel like I need some space to think. I don't want to call him today, and I don't really need to. I can call him tomorrow to make sure he made the call for power in my new apt. Not calling him all the time will be a big 180 for me.
Then don't make that call. I can see that you will be the one not to give you space, not dustin. So, if you don't want to call him, then don't, unless it is vitally important.

I am trying not to focus on him right now - last night felt really good to me - snuggling and being close - and if that's the last memory I have of him, then so be it.
Trust me Myrrh, it won't be the last. But hang onto it for as long as you can.

I just know that I don't want to be in a relationship with no commitment forever. I guess I don't have to worry about that yet, though, do I?
Does anyone?

Myrrh, I don't know if I helped you here, but I want to say that you are being very strong. You have goals and you know what you need to do to be a better you.

Now go do it!

Hugs back at ya!

Triple J

[Lyrael]

Well, here is the deal - short phone convo with H a while ago. He was very pleasant. I am very upset with myself for calling him, as it is very much "more of the same" for me. So here is the deal: I need to have one day at least with no contact. It is going to be VERY, VERY hard for me, but I obviously need to learn how to do it, because I can't be in contact with an XH every day, now can I?

Soo...since we rescheduled tonight's packing session for tomorrow, tentatively, I believe I will just take care of things tomorrow that I need from him, so that Friday will be The Big Day. Hopefully he will not want to be as affectionate tomorrow night, or maybe I can just set a more businesslike tone. I don't know - I guess I'll just go with the flow, but regardless, Friday will be a day of no contact.
I can do this. I will be okay.
Hugs to all,
Myrrh

[Lyrael]

PMA is in the toilet right now. I have been looking at those "recovering after divorce" websites, and one of them mentioned that only 10% of couples who separate actually reconcile.
A couple of them mentioned that three to six months of little or no contact is best when it comes to trying to heal from the pain of a divorce. That would make a good goal time for reassessment of my life around the little guy's second birthday party in July. That's about four months. If I can keep the no contact thing going after this Friday, maybe I will be able to quit hoping that my H will want me back or that this divorce won't happen.

Hope hurts!!! So much. Honestly, I feel like I am bleeding from the inside right now. I wish I had the money for a phone coaching session, but I just don't right now.

I don't know how some of you that have been at this for sixteen or eighteen months keep at it. I just want so bad right now to not care, but I am still in this hurting and beaten stage. I want to hope and all that, but I am afraid of the blow that will come as the D papers are served and then become final.
AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!
This is the voice of frustration, signing off.
Myrrh

[Lyrael]

Okay, well - I can't ever let closeness like last night happen again, at least not for a long time - it really messes me up the next day.
I feel like I am on a roller coaster. I remember a time in my life when I was not with anybody, and I was happy!!! I was content to dream about someday, and to just live each day for myself until then. I want that back soooooooo bad. I don't want to love or want my H anymore. I want to be the rejector, instead of the reject.

I DON"T WANT SOMEONE WHO DOESN"T WANT ME! MY HUSBAND DOESN'T WANT ME!!!! WHY CAN I NOT GET THAT THROUGH MY STUPID HEAD? HE WANTS A DIVORCE. HE WANTS ME OUT OF HIS LIFE, AND I NEED TO QUIT BEING PATHETIC AND MOVE ON!!!!
I feel like such a psycho.
Myrrh

[seattlehopeful]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Myrrh))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You are loved, he loves you. I can see that and I think everyone here can see that. He wants to be with you, he doesn't want to be with the anger. He doesn't want to live in fear. He does want to be with his sweet loving wife.

I think ML and being close and intimate is a good thing. Its the internal crazymaking that isn't so good. If you can seperate the two, it will be more progress. There is a lot of good I can see in that interaction. Know that he loves you, show him more of the person he loves, less of the person hes afraid to love.

[Lyrael]

Seattle -
Thanks so much. It is always good to hear words of encouragement.
It seems as if there are two places from which I can interact with my H: one is the sick, broken, empty place - that's the same one the anger comes from. The other is a whole, centered place that relates to my H as his equal. I want to be in the second place, I was just hurting really bad today - it will get better.
I know it will.
Myrrh

[ObiWan]

ok it needs to be said - that Myrrlo is a rare vintage, and not for all tastes. He's a fool. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get the PMA back up girl.

Pronto.

[Lyrael]

Bill-
It is always wonderful to have gentlemen riding to my rescue on white horses. He isn't necessarily a fool, just very confused, and has some problems of his own. As do I.

Maybe someday I will meet someone I just click with. Right now, though, evena pleasant phone call with my H makes me smile. There was a reason I wanted to be with him - as hard as it is for him to stay comitted, he has never completely deserted me. He has betrayed me, lied to me, and hurt me more than anyone I have ever known, but I am willing to bet he would say the same of me. He has never turned his back on me when I needed him.

He makes me laugh, and appreciates my goofy humor. He calls me his baby moose (long-legged and clutzy), but still can make me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. He believes in me, and supports me whenever I try to do something, and wants to protect me from everything that would try to hurt me.

There are so many things about him that I would be proud to have echoed in my son as he grows, and I trust that he will have learned hard lessons well enough that he will want to help our son avoid some of the mistakes he has made.

For whatever reason, we just can't live together right now. We had a wonderful conversation a little while ago, and when we said goodbye, it was all I could do not to say ILY, but I think he was thinking it, too. Even if we D, I know he loves me and is even still in love with me, and probably will be for a while. He will always be my son's daddy, and so he will always have a special piece in my heart.

I'll survive this. And someday I will be glowing and happy again, and my family will be safe and happy, wherever they are.

I read a great quote in Outlander tonight, about leaving (I am changing the pronouns, though, so "her" is "him") "I prayed all the way up that hill yesterday... Not for you to stay, I didna think that would be right. I prayed I'd be strong enough to send ye away...I said 'Lord, if I've never had courage in my life before, let me have it now. Let me be brave enough not to fall on my knees and beg him to stay.'"
And with that, I am off to bed.
This is the 1980 vintage Myrrlo, signing off...
Myrrh