Destruction - 1

[speeder]

I am literally out of breath today and need all the help I can get! Lost another 2 lbs. Down 40 this year.

I want her to be on her own a few months prior to filing. How can I delay the D and insist on a lengthy separation? Advice or just let her call the shots? BF texted me she had a 'good day' with other H and he indicated he and my W are going to WI overnight Mon-Tues. Seems there must be something the LBS can do to inhibit the affair? I am so out of my mind this am, I'm thinking of giving my W a flat tire or two (she can't change it on her own).

W hasn't colored her hair in at least a year and the purple hair tape in extensions haven't been seen in several months (last appearing when BF and other H visited in Jan.). My W did wear a purple wig to our neighborhood Superbowl party. Struck me as really odd as we recently moved here and she chose to wear that during our first encounter with our new and mostly older neighbors. Actually talking bad about her helps me detach. Living with crazy, although interesting and adventurous is unsettling.

I know he's young but I did give S14 reassuring I am there for him and let him know that his mom and other H had 'been together' as he knew the other family was in turmoil but didn't know why. I kept it short as I had never spoke to him about this by asking what he thought was going on. I didn't say much else except I loved him, wanted to keep the family together and not have a D, but his mom is unhappy and needs out. Unrelated but he is now taller than me at 6'4.5".

Her coworkers and family use her real name. Her friends and her jewelry making business are under the made up name (who was a mystical seer in one her stories back in 2010). She did something clever on FB to mass untag photos of her. She switched her last name back to mine and then reverted to the made up last name which dropped all photo tags. I just recalled over Sunday dinner she said I tend to become an a$$hole on weekends but during the week I am fine. (A direct relation to her misbehaving ways). I didn't see it but that's her perspective.

I now feel her affair will outlast my M which just sux. Makes me feel suicidal, but I know the kids need me. I'm trying to understand that my feeling of helplessness is not really so, if I continue to improve myself and be better in that area as I cannot control her. I know I'm in charge of my own happiness but it's hard. Damn do I miss the woman she was. Sorry... tearing up. Difficult morning in my head. I'll be better when she gets her own place and isn't by 3 hrs every night.

It comes down to this. I really don't believe in D and she is planning to make me a product of such. A label as offensive as smoker, that is being applied to me. That is why I have to point the finger.