A Glass of Myrrlo

[Lyrael]

Pam - Glad to see you!
Here's a glass for you...
I am feeling extremely calm and centered - although life is very weird right now.

For some reason, my H and I can talk, relate as people, support each other, and be loving AS LONG AS WE DON"T LIVE TOGETHER. To be honest, I feel sort of scandalous right now. We did less work tonight than just hanging out, relaxing with each other and with Rhane, sharing off and on about how hard this is for both of us. Then there was snuggling, back-rubbing, and damn, I have no clue how it happened.

Without pressure, we do fine. I can't do anything more right now - no staying over, no living together. I think our D will probably happen, and maybe we will grow more apart naturally, or maybe we will grow more together.
I know that the most positive direction I can see is me working on myself so that I can be the kind, calm Myrrh all the time.

You see, I have realized something. Whether it is due to the abuse of my childhood, or just some quirk in my character, I panic when I feel like someone is too close. I lose myself, and the ability to take care of myself. I had no trouble this evening asserting my needs and getting them met - as Karen812 would say, I was aiming for only a 4 evening and somehow had a ten. But I have no doubt that if Dustin moved back tomorrow, the stomach-churning fear and the deep, deep anger would be back.

I have lots of work to do on myself to find out why closeness and commitment frighten me. This is kind of a big insight. I hope Dustin and I can maintain a friendship, and if I continually maintain my expectations at friendship, I believe I may be pleasantly surprised by how good a friend my H can be.

I also feel like i need to prepare myself for one or both of us simply outgrowing the relationship and moving on - that may happen. But the more independent and me-focused (diff from being selfish) I can be, the better I think things in general, in my life will be.

I shared a vision of a happy future today with TripleJ, and it didn't include any specific people (except my S, of course), just em enjoying my life and being happy. That will happen no matter where my sitch wanders.
Love to you all and a warm and happy welcome to the new abode
Myrrh