More detachment, less anxiety and the continued joy of limbo

[Phoebe]

The tree walk was really good, though it reminds me that I have a hard time fitting in with people on many of these group activities. I'm super interested, but I'm not a novice. I don't know how to find similar people.

I go to these things and I feel like as soon as I open my mouth that I stick out like a sore thumb. When the forester asks what the tree is and no one answers, I just do it to break the silence. Today I picked up a ring-neck snake to show him to the group. They are super cool, with orange bellies and necklaces on a black body, and I guess I just assume people will be interested. They are, but note to self: to blend in, do not pick up the snakes or point out that there is a scarlet tanangers somewhere overhead.

The presenter told me I should lead the next tree walk, which makes me want to keep my mouth shut. He was being nice, and he was curious where I learned my trees and critters, but it made me self-conscious. Same thing at the homesteading meeting I went to last week.

The woman that I'm still trying to decide if I can be friends with reacted in a typical way when I mentioned driving my tractor and Bobcat. She said, "You don't look or sound like someone who grew up on a farm. " OK. One, what does a farm kid look or sound like, anyway? And two, I didn't. I'm a forest kid, but I've been around heavy equipment my whole life.

How do I find others that think it's just normal to know the world around them and to do the stuff that I do? i don't have the energy to find a hobby friend, a building friend, a farming friend, a birding friend, a hiking friend, a whatever friend... There aren't enough days in the week for that.

If I struggle this much to find commonality for a simple friendship, how on earth will I ever find anyone to share my life with in the future?

I'll be hanging out on the Island of Misfit Toys, an interesting novelty, but ultimately without use.

Yes, still feeling out of sorts today.