HI Ciluzen,
boy, was that helpful to hear from you at that moment. I just went to do some yard stuff at our guest house thing and just lost it crying all over again. Didn't sleep enough so my emotional control is lost completely.
today everything is reminding me of him, of the projects we talked of doing, the garden sits undone, bla bla bla, too much nostalgia all over the place.
A bit of info - since about last summer he's been really irritable, sarcastic, critical, impatient and sometimes belittling. He was definitely resentful that I wasn't earning as much money and hadn't found a better job.
But in my defense, I was handling all the cooking,cleaning, shopping errands etc. I felt frustrated he didn't think of that as being part of the 'team' and taken for granted.
I was mostly working 25 hours a week and doing all of the above as well.
While he has been a lot less depressed in past 6 months, he would still have a couple days here and there where he would crash and stay in bed all afternoon on a weekend day.
He started walking/hiking a lot last fall and then went into a gear buying binge last fall/winter - and I could tell his need for independence was increasing but that was in a healthy way in terms of going out and hiking on weekend day instead of what he'd do in the past which was hang out at house and feel depressed.
I was very happy he'd found this outlet and he was reconnecting with the part of himself that loves adventure and travel. It was the first time in so long he wasn't as depressed, so that was good. He was more fun on weekends as well.
his main complaint besides the work/money thing was that he needed me to be more 'calm.'
I have analyzed all this and understand completely how it relates to his childhood wounds/abuse by father and basically having a pretty horrible childhood and school years.
He has always said he never felt he had a core or a center due to the fact that his mother was emotionally about 12 years old and wasn't equipped to provide real emotional nourishment to him as a child. So his way of handling stress of any kind is to go into a protective stance, to ward of danger - he is definitely love avoidant/dismissive in terms of attachment styles.
And I am the anxious pursuer. Not a great combo, but not unusual.
Some of our tension would occur when he got home from work and wanted to sit out, watch sunset and listen to music. often I just sat with him and listed too. He would urge me to come out and sit with him if I didn't. The problem would occur when I'd want to talk but after a stressful day he just wanted to 'be' together and listen to music without talking.
What is so frustrating to me now is that he just always expected me to magically just be 'calm' without often being willing to really listen to why I was feeling so anxious - money stuff we didn't talk about, feeling I had to handle the entire household, the fact I have ADD and that makes some things more challenging for me in terms of organizing time/ paperwork/ money. Then I'd feel I couldn't talk to him about what was challenging for me for fear of getting into a big fight/conflict/ stress about it and would back off.
That is my cross to bear from codependent behaviors - thinking I always have to do it right, fear of not pleasing, fear of not doing anything right and if it's not right, it is all my fault.
He also expects me to be a mind reader a lot and would say things starting with ...'you sure are talkative' instead of just saying he wasn't in a talking mood. His thing is to blame me and mine is to take too much responsibility.
His job is very stressful and I felt he didn't have any emotional energy left for me often, or at least not until Sunday when he'd had a day or two to recover from his work week.
What is also frustrating is that just a couple days before this big fight he was so sweet, we went out with friends, came home and danced together, he was sweet that Sunday.
I am angry that he has just given up instead of being willing to talk to each other.
The changes needed are really not that drastic. With my new awareness of codependent behaviors that weren't working for me or for him, when I am more centered and calm and focused on what I need to do, most of these conflicts just don't happen!
I don't understand how to simultaneously have hope, work on DBing and detach. This is the part I'm not getting.
I'm anxious about him getting his own place fearing I'll rarely see him and it will be even easier for him to keep me out of his life/mind/heart.
I was just listening to a podcast by a guy that has a marriage saving program online and he talks about writing an apology letter. I have to say it hasn't felt good to not say anything about the behaviors I regret and for which I am truly remorseful. I know it most likely wouldn't make any difference at this point, but what this guy says is that it can plant the seed for later reconciliation.
FYI - the thing about someone who is avoidant/dismissive is that they tend to keep the rage they feel from their childhood wounds pushed down until it erupts when really triggered, like our fight, and they'll do anything to not let those feelings out again. I know he thinks now he can't feel safe with me, even though it isn't me who caused those feelings, or his behavior. Then he goes back into his head and stays there in his thinking - not feeling - as a way to protect himself. I've seen this for years, now it's just more extreme.
So I know this is why he is very guarded with me, will be easily defensive and why it's so important I stay calm and don't get into anything that could escalate into an argument.
I've done well with this in our two meetings.
It will take a lot to get him to see me differently, to change his beliefs about me, which are now all based on the past and some projections from childhood stuff most likely.
ok, i should shut up now. I guess I am still in shock and not functioning well today at all.
going to take a nap.
THANK YOU