Husband Walked Out- Need Support!

[ciluzen]

Ok. I'm now writing on your thread again. Momentarily forgot that I started out on BW's thread as I was reading your post (you are as wordy as I am!). So, let's look at where you are, right now.

You're emotionally still in a state of shock. That means that your mind is jumping from one idea, memory, plan, emotion, action, etc to another. You have no real focus. You're sad, angry, confused, lonely (maybe a little horny), and scared to death all at once and one at a time, switching and scheming. You want to ask H why, beg, compromise, yell, and maybe even make him feel sorry for you (thoughts of car accidents and severe illnesses pop up-what would he do then?). It will slow down...in time.

Your H has been entertaining thoughts of leaving you for a long time. A LONG TIME. He's had time to detach. That's not to say you are a bad person. If there is even a dust particle of that thought in your head, sweep that sucker out.

But, yeah. There's room for improvement. Allow yourself 50% of the blame in your marriage issue. The other 50% is him. People say not to think about that, but I like to know my opponent (H is not the opponent, BTW. He's the love of your life. His issues are what you're up against). So, take your time to figure him out. What were signs that he was unhappy? He was depressed for years. Was he treated? MLC is just depression coupled with fear of aging. Ok, that might be a little too simple of an explanation, but I don't type well. What has he said in the past that was negative or struck you as odd for him? Clues to his issues. Clues to what set him off about you or your treatment of him, or even what (from his perspective) your behavior reminded him of in the context of an unresolved childhood issue. What do you know of his past and his family? Journal it. All of it. It will create the "web of understanding" that will make it easier not to have angry or emotionally reactive outbursts when dealing with H. I said "help", though. If you read my thread, I have those all the time. Just not as bad or as much.

"The email just said -'I'm done. You can't fix this and I won't process this.'
Don't I deserve more than that? Doesn't our R and history deserve more than that?
Is this cause hunting.
oh dear. I'll shut up now.
sorry for the ranting.
I am so frustrated as I feel he is throwing the baby out with the bathwater. So much happiness is possible if we could get through this and learn and grow from it. But he just seems stuck in his mind on the past and that it could never be different.
That's the scary thing. I feel he is stuck in his mind on a fixed idea about our M."

Ok, yes. You deserve better. Yes you are cause hunting (why not?). Yes you are frustrated (you should be). And...YES his mind is stuck. That's depression.
So, part two is, you show him he's wrong by changing you. That's why DB says to try 180s. Don't tell him, show him. And guess what? By being co-dependent, we've lucked into the easiest 180 of all...not initiating contact and GAL. Ok, not so easy. But simple. Be different. Be you. Or, as this lady who didn't even have any close friends of her own, try to figure out who "YOU" is (purposeful grammar error). This will be the hard part. Luckily, we have the world of internet. Free classes, meetups, libraries, community activities and events...what do you want to try? Some won't pan out. I exhausted myself filling all of my free time after work and on weekends. But I created new friends, a bigger support group (or at least better) and it took the pressure off of H. He started calling me. Now there's probably too much communication due to our house being sold, but I can be NC on my end soon. And he seems to be dealing with his issues a bit.

MLC is a long haul. Check those boards out, though. Great support and advice. Patience, validation, focus on you being the best you you can be. You've got this.