Hi Cil, This is confusing because now I'm posting on Bluwaves thread - shall I be putting this elsewhere? Thank you for your kind words. I have been such an emotional wreck since yesterday I don't know what the heck I'm doing. I read all of your first thread and started last one but haven't finished. So many things are hurting right now. I feel I screwed up yesterday for the first time - even reached out to hold his hand - eee gads! What I am not clear on and is making me feel so angry right now is that I have so little information about why he really left besides the fact that he thinks I increase the stress in his life ... ok, won't go into analyzing that right now, I am so frustrated ... When is it ever time for me to be able to tell him how I AM FEELING!??? How I am hurting? Should I be apologizing for my part if he is still saying he just wants to be 'friends'? So much anger last night, feeling like he BAILED out and in a way it's made me lose some respect for him...as I never saw him as someone who would give up on a commitment as serious as a M. I stood by him for YEARS through his suffering from depression - even though I didn't always do the right things and of course tried to 'fix' him until I figured out the right things to do. The past couple years have been really hard for me, not finding my way since we moved back to our home town from going away for 2 years to school. We always had a big goal - built a house, etc. but since 2014 kind of floundered. I just feel like a failure today - I didn't find a way to make more money, we filed for bankruptcy in 2010, we may lose our house...kind of feels like everything is falling apart. well, it is! I woke up crying today and then had to go on my long walk in the desert and meditate and write and read my DR book. It's only 6 weeks since he left and so I know this is still early in the process. I must get a grip and focus more on my GAL and finding a better job. There is a lot of financial insecurity now along with all this M stuff. Just feel so stuck - I know I am focusing too much energy on him and need to snap out of it. He always said one of his goals in life was to have an 'open heart' and now it is just closed to me. Another thing is we live in a very small town and I have been very reclusive - I don't want to see anyone I know as I'll likely just start crying if they ask how I am. I mostly talk to my IC and some friends by phone who live far away. I am rambling. Time for me to focus on the changes I need to make and let go of the outcome of our M for a bit. It really messed with my head when he looked surprised and then commented that I am still wearing my wedding ring. Well, I am still married, I still love him, I haven't lost hope and is that just his guilt? Would he feel he is then 'off the hook' if he saw I'd taken mine off? It almost felt like he interprets me wearing my ring as pursuing behavior! I don't understand how someone as smart as he is, who is also in the mental health field, could even ask that question...or is it just too hard for him as it reminds him of his guilt, that he LEFT ME. When I asked him about respecting my boundaries and not telling people much about our situation that it is private etc. he said I should trust him, but depending on the person and how he felt, he would say we are 'separated.' This pissed me off as well, no, YOU LEFT ME. big difference. We are separated because HE separated, not because I did. oh dear, the angry self is coming out of the closet, I must calm her back down. Thank you for your kinds words and I will catch up on the rest of your thread...hope you are doing as well as you can be!
