The start of something new???

[DDJ]

Beautiful.

[cbtdad]

Great post!!!

[betterm]

Whoa! I was just about to post how she's gone all out avoidance and no calls or texts today...
and then...
She just showed up to the house.

[betterm]

Well, the recent visit was certainly unexpected, but the content, and outcome comes as no surprise. I used the rules, I wasn't 'ignoring her', but was busy upstairs and when I came down she said hi first and i returned the favor. W said she was just coming by to pick up some stuff and then mumbled a bunch of stuff under her breath about the pets and me not know how to take care of them or something the rather. I just nodded and said 'sounds good, <i pointed to two nice tall stacks on the counter>, said 'there is all your papers, mail, documents, etc (they were just laying around the kitchen and living room). She said 'okay', and then somehow turned two nicely sorted stacks of 50 a piece, into about 40 stacks of 1-3 papers a piece all over the place, and then said 'okay, well I'll probably be back on Monday to take care of xyz.' I nodded, said, 'okay, maybe i'll see ya then.' and out she went... I stacked the papers back up and moved them to where they were before.

All in all, It lasted about 10 minutes total, not much said (didn't expect much), she initiated every conversation, I made sure not to interrupt, listened, and responded briefly to each topic, no R talk at all. and it was done. When I saw her pull in the drive, my anxiety went from zero to 99 in about .1 seconds. I was able to calm myself before going face-to-face.

[betterm]

People usually don't promote a level of righteousness higher than the standard they live themselves... Thinking back on my 'control' post, I know there's nothing I can do about it, but my W's new 'support system' is full of divorcees with multiple kids and nothing but angst for the men that betrayed them.

I'm not going to let it get me down, and I have some 'support' that gives bad advice too, but some people are more influential than others in this sense.

Just remember, close friends and loved ones are great to have for support, but they're every bit capable of giving you advice worth less than the trash you take out on Thursdays.

[betterm]

Sounds like talking to your lawyer is definitely a good thing to be on the safe side, but as you note, it very well could be a bluff. Given that she's seemingly tried every other tactic she can think of as well, it seems more likely. And if she really had solid legal standing, wouldn't she have led with that a lot sooner?

I called a friend of the family who's a real estate attorney and he said he doesn't know of that ever happening, unless there is physical abuse involved, or heavy, consistent adultery proven by one spouse. I also called the attorney I consulted with the first time, and a second one who was recommended to me by a friend, and I'm waiting to hear back from both of them. Most of the law I've read regarding my state (it's a no-fault state), says that it would take a GREAT DEAL of circumstance for the spouse who wants the divorce, to 'kick out' a Spouse who doesn't, and is the single-name property owner, especially considering it's pre-marital prop. Still, getting 95% reassurance that it won't happen, doesn't stop me from having thoughts that I COULD be in that unfortunate 5%.

[ciluzen]

Glad you contacted someone familiar with the law in your area. Usually that "unfortunate 5%" have extenuating circumstances that make the call more just than the rumor mill (including the press) would lead you to believe. As long as you stay gentlemanly but firm, you should be just fine.

So, enough about W. What are you doing to help focus on you? What is your 50% of this issue? Because as much as we want to be mad, scared, shocked and confused by our spouse's actions, we played a part in this and their leaving was a reaction (in part) to the fear or pain they felt. Maybe re-read what you wrote of her angry "spew", and think about the whys. Communication issues and assumptions are often at play. Lower your defenses for this introspection...no one is watching.

One weird thing that helped me get through the "dark days" (literally dark-winter in the north) was to write every thing I could remember him saying that stood out as strange, negative, or pertaining to my actions, his, or our relationship...as far back as I could remember. I then tried to remember the context. And my reaction. The list kept growing. At my work, we call this an ABC chart. A)precipitating event B)Event/behavior and C)consequence/response. It is an eye opener if you dig deep.

Another thing that helped me to move forward, but really made me very depressed for awhile, was to write "my H's story" of why he left...from his point of view. There are clues. This was a "loving 2x4" suggested by the fellow poster on the newcomer's board, Zues. He's pretty tough, but gives great insights. I took this assignment very seriously and learned a lot about my behavior...and my H's pain.

If this relationship is important to you, you will make strides to get past the initial panic, anger, and shock and start to do the hard work. working on yourself. Its really more than just GAL. That helps your PMA and busies you for a bit. But to truly DB, you need to dig deep within yourself or you'll continue to repeat "mistakes" and behavior that you never knew existed. And I always thought I was a nice person!

Hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend.

[betterm]

So, enough about W. What are you doing to help focus on you? What is your 50% of this issue? Because as much as we want to be mad, scared, shocked and confused by our spouse's actions, we played a part in this and their leaving was a reaction (in part) to the fear or pain they felt. Maybe re-read what you wrote of her angry "spew", and think about the whys. Communication issues and assumptions are often at play. Lower your defenses for this introspection...no one is watching.

I've done a couple exercises like this already. I found a great worksheet on the website 'ultimate husband dot com', on the left hand side there are some great free resources on "identifying your mistakes","human defense mechanisms","unraveling the mysteries", etc. The "Worksheet" to determine what you did to hurt, was a great tool to use for digging deeper in to what actually happened.

I also did an exercise with a coach in the form of answering a few simple questions (but playing the role of my spouse). Put yourself in your spouses place, and answer these questions as honestly as possible:

1) Who is your spouse as a man? In the relationship? Controlling, Distant? Demanding? Appreciative? Sincere? etc? Has he always been this way? Or was there a change?

2) What frustrates you most about your husband?

3) What do you think you're husband thinks of you? Have you felt in marriage, love, respected, desired, appreciated?

4) What occupies his time, what are his priorities?

5) Do you feel taken for granted? How? Why?

And have been practicing writing down, with new ideas, the following:
1. How she would describe me as a person/man/husband?
2. What frustrates her most about me?
3. How she thinks I see her?
4. What hurts her the most about that?
5. What has been the most painful?

---
I've yet to try the "story" method, but I think with the "putting myself in her place" and answering questions, I have probably visualized a great deal of what I'd come up with. and you're right, it's depressing, and very self-inflicting to find the ways your loved one sees you and how you can be so hurtful/negligent. I am continuing to work on these things and hvae been looking for me "worksheet" type things out there to find new questions to ask myself, if anyone knows of any?

[betterm]

I'm almost finished with the DR book, and I'm looking for recommendations for the next one if anyone has a good one:

Some I'm considering:
Gottman, 7 Principles
Chapman, When Sorry Isn't Enough (Already read 5LL)
The Lost art of Listening (from validation thread)

Any others that could help with validating, listening, and responding with empathy?

I feel I do a good job of 'identifying' where I've hurt, and what I've done, I need a little guidance on how to turn those things around into consistent change.

[Ralph88]

You mentioned friends and circles. I have learned to listen to others perspectives? But realize that advice taken from others that are not affected by the outcome of the advise the are giving about, is meaningless. If someone has no horse in the race, their opinion is moot. I try to keep that in my own circle, especially since most told me to walk away from my M years ago, even more so the last few years!