It came from talking to the colleague and friend of my H whose husband was a kind of mentor to my H. He was in his 50s I think, and he struggled with his own mental health issues (depression), who had an affair, and who then killed himself w couple of years ago.
Anyway, she pointed out that for a while my H had been posting strange things on FB. It was maybe going on for about two years before he left in October.
Anyway, I've been occasionally having a look at his FB page over the past seven months. I think I see a bit of a pattern emerging. When he's about to do something which is stressful in some way to him (not work related, but to do with relationships) his weird posts increase in frequency and randomness.
He's doing some at the moment.
Just observing. From a distance.
I'm OK at the moment. Had a good day's work yesterday, and a really great GAL night last night in the company of some of my work colleagues. Very tired today and feeling a little ill (like I'm getting a cold), but not feeling too off balance and out of kilter with myself. So I feel good about that.
I was having a couple of quick GAL drinks with a crowd of people, and the place where we had gone, well, my H's best pal was the head waiter there.
I didn't know, it was totally unexpected.
Anyway, the best pal came over to say hallo (and then goodbye at the end of the night too), and gave me a really big hug. We had a quick chat. I didn't mention H at all, just talked a bit about how busy I was with work and my own life (and I was obviously out with a big group of people, none of which he would have met or known). He to.d me I looked amazing.
Today is the belated birthday party my H is having for his own birthday (back in January). It's my birthday next week.
I'm feeling really drained today, and have got a cold. It's just constant effort, this whole thing. And there is no way out but forwards.
Start planning your birthday and try to forget about his. I know how hard it is to not think about our wayward spouse but we can't change a thing they do or feel. Keep going with your GAL activities and focus on you. It sounds like you are doing well, don't beat yourself up.
It's been an interesting few days, for sure. It's Sunday night currently, and for the first time I'm feeling a bit tearful and panicky. I need to remind myself how far I've come.
So I managed to do my self employed work on Saturday. It was an especially tough because of what I was doing. Anyway, I did good. There was only one moment when I thought I wasn't going to be able to hold it together. But I managed to distract myself, and I let the feeling go without letting myself get too caught up in it.
Today I came to visit my parents, and I'm staying the night. We've had a good laugh together and it's been a beautiful sunny day too.
I got lots and lots and lots of lovely messages on FB for my birthday. Some very heartfelt and complimentary. I was quite moved by those. It reminded me that I am loved and valued, and that I have earned a great deal of expect for the outlook that I have chosen to have on this whole thing (I've kept the details of what's going on to myself, even though I'm sure a lot of industry folk know now. And I've held my head high, behaving with total dignity and positivity throughout).
I was asked out and accepted (the man who was the year above me while we were studying, all those years ago, and who I reconnected with a short while ago). We went out yesterday, after I finished work. Conversation is very easy with him, and we share the same passion and have a lot of complementary interests too. He gave me w very thoughtful birthday gift.
He knows about what's happened and my situation (I wouldn't ever keep that from anyone, I'm far too honest and open for that). He's also had his troubles in life and has touched on them briefly.
I know already that what has happened over the past five years has changed me, and that I see the world differently now. That youthful unquestioning belief, trust and hope in other people has gone. It feels like it's been broken, and broken forever. And that I have now crossed over into a world that I didn't even know existed. This is new territory I'm in. I'm not even sure I know who I am, it's all so new and different.
Anyway, I had a lovely evening in the company of a very intelligent and interesting adult.
Will I see him again? Yes...we were talking about the possibility of doing a little work together.
Will I continue to work on myself? Most definitely. I'm enjoying this process far too much. It's giving me back so much more than I ever imagined it would or could. I'm enjoying the simplest, most basic things, like living by myself - I'm finding a great deal of peace, calm and joy in it.
Saturday's work and the way it unfolded helped me understand that for everything in life there is a pace and feeling to it. And allowing yourself to experience that feeling and enjoy the pace of it is part of the joy of it.
I think part of the reason I was feeling so down these past two months was maybe because I'd pushed myself so hard to get onto the 'right' track, and pushed myself really hard to go as far down it, as quickly, as I could too?
But there's really no need to keep pushing so hard is there? Once there's a certain amount of momentum down that path, it's a case of keeping pushing forwards lightly, but constantly,mto keep it all moving I the right direction.
So, Tuesday morning, and I've had a little time to think over my last thoughts and my last post.
I feel very proud of how I managed to conduct myself at work on Saturday. And now I know that I can handle that side of my work with joy, grace and dignity, I feel more relaxed about it all.
I still feel like I'm on the right track with GAL and generally steering my head towards a more positive mental attitude. These are so important I've come to realise...especially having a PMA.
Thinking things over, I feel especially grateful for all the kind and heartfelt messages I've had over the past few days.
When I saw my parents this weekend, they kept mentioning how well and how relaxed I'm looking. I've heard that from a few work colleagues as well over the past couple of weeks. One has even said I look more relaxed than I have done for years (she doesn't know how long this mess has been unfolding in my M - it's been five years now). So clearly being away from the chaos is working wonders
Plans this week? I have quite a lot of my own, self-employed work to do. And I have some more work on the house to do as well. I have a couple of GAL activities in the pipeline. And that's about as much as I can pack into a whole week.
And I realise I haven't mentioned H for w while. I checked out his FB page, and he posted a slew of very strange, random stuff leading up to my birthday. I think I'm seeing some sort of pattern now in his postings: when he feels stressed and under pressure, that's how it shows up. What else it might mean, and what else he's doing....well, who knows. It's not my concern.
So that's where I'm at today. Hope everyone is as well as can be.
I discovered that OW2, the one that he's been involved with since autumn 2012, the one he left me for and is now having a full blown PA with, actually lives 5 minutes walk away (if that).
How do I feel about it? Meh...
Had a few thoughts about it last night, like how easy it must have been to actually see her while he was still at home. Felt a bit angry and physically sick last night when I realised.
But today I'm like, meh, so be it, that's his jam. I'm not sure I really care that much.
It's not a colour I would ever normally wear. It's an almost neon pink one, and very matt, but I love it. I've been wearing it a few days now, and it cheers me up no end.
I'm loving the reaction I get from other people (men and women). It's such a bright, happy colour.
So yesterday I listened to the TED talk on emotional first aid, by Guy Winch.
It was really good. I'm still thinking about some of the things he said. One thing I noticed yesterday was how often I ended up basically picking at the scab that's started to grow over my hurt.
I'm going to reflect some on the possible reasons for this, but for the moment it was enough for me to notice how often and how much I did this during the course of the day. And it was enough for me to stop myself every time I noticed it happening.
This morning I listening to a TED talk on the art of being yourself, by Caroline McHugh. I loved that too.
Got a few exciting GAL activities next week. One is with one of the few people who knows a little more about the reasons why my H and I are separated. I went to her birthday party a few weeks ago and had a lovely time chatting to some of her friends (people I'd never met before, including one girl in particular).
I didn't feel insecure or intimidated walking into a room full of people, only one of whom I already knew. I felt relaxed and curious. I knew that I would be able to be myself.
In general, I find myself really enjoying the company of other people now, feeling really interested and open to who they are and what they have to say.
My other GAL activity is work related, and to do with making some plans for the future (next six months or so).
