Why is Raven black?

[ciluzen]

Thank you all for the advice and support. I did find an apartment. They haven't even finished building it, its so new. Because of that I got a Grand Opening Discount of about 70% off first months rent. Pet friendly, near hiking and walking distance to a state park, and across the street from grocery store and such. Great suburban neighborhood, and a great view with trees and mountains. I can move in after June 10. Perfect!

On another note, I had a strange experience with H. I can chalk it up to a step forward for him, if not for R. I think the former is more important right now.
We were discussing scheduling and I brought up things that needed to be done before I moved and our house needed to be vacated. One of our assets is a tractor neither of us needs, but we had agreed to sell to help my moving costs and give him some money for whatever. We had a semi-joking conversation about how many people were interested in it or coveting it. He finally came out and said he wasn't going to sell it. I was shocked, as that was our agreement. I reacted...very upset. Lost control, said things I shouldn't have...not a finer moment. It affected me as I was trying to coach a soccer tournament later...I had to leave my team and call my daughter to talk me down (psych major with anxiety-a good source for that) I was so shaken. I could not reconcile that man with my old H at all...first MAJOR MLC move (everything else was pale). With all of his financial woes, both of us living in an apartment, why on earth would he keep a TRACTOR?!

When I came home, H was in the driveway getting ready to leave (he had worked on something in the yard). I was very cold to him as he tried to tell me the nice things he did that day for me while I was gone. I thanked him and could not make eye contact except to glare a bit, which makes me uncomfortable because...well...I'm not that way. He left quickly and neither of us said goodbye.

So here was my strange thing. I chose to call him later. I told him, I'm very upset with you. I can't trust your word anymore. He tried to tell me that he would bring the tractor home (it was at a friend's house)and then I could sell it for whatever I wanted and to whomever I wanted. He tried to tell me he would go to the office and figure out how much money he had given me, etc, etc. to show me how generous he was...I cut him off. I will not sell it, this is not about the money, it never was. I understand your stress about money and expenses. That's why your tractor decision makes NO SENSE to me. It is about you making decisions and not communicating your thought process. I FINALLY got through.

He explained, and apologized for being a wimp, but his father told him he could not sell the tractor (he "gifted" us money for half of it) because he "owned half". He said the same about another item. Ahhhh...controlling daddy issue is coming to a head. I sooo wanted to remind him of what a gift was, and that he is 52 years old, and that his dad is 80 and will probably never see the tractor again, and that he has never used it...

Instead I encouraged him to talk about it. I told him I understood how difficult it is to go against a parent, how that could create a lot of stress for him and confusion on what the "right" thing to do is. Validate, validate, support, support. His feelings of being a failure, his fears of going against his dad. I told him I spent more on an apartment because I had to get a 2 bedroom on the ground floor in case my mom came to visit. 12 mos at a higher price "just in case" my 80 year old mother chose to fly up here for a week. We sort of laughed about that. And about his dad bouncing around on an uncomfortable tractor uselessly driving it up and down the driveway at the vacation home (it would ruin the lawn).

There was a bit of R talk in there, me saying it was a workable relationship, yada yada, but keeping it light. He delved more into how he thinks I would be happier without him...he came closer to his (I believe) root feeling that no one could possibly love/like him, but shied away after a brief glimpse. I validated his feelings anyway, and told him maybe his fear of hurting his dad was bigger than he thought. And maybe his dad was actually more reasonable than he feared. Sometimes he just says stuff to say stuff. Maybe you can throw your fears aside and reason with him and actually communicate your reasons for wanting to sell it? He agreed and said, yeah. He is a reasonable man.

I told him you are not a "failure" in your parents eyes just because you feel you have failed. I repeated that I know he is worth more than anyone out there. That he is a good person inside. But further R talk was out. He kept changing the subject. But he is thinking about his issues. I can see his cogs moving and the light in his eyes. R may not happen, but he is dealing with his fears. And for that, I could sleep a bit last night.