What I still struggle with is letting go of STBX and accepting she no longer wants to be with me. I don't know and cannot accept that we will be a different family tied by the boys. I still have anger and resentment I guess.
Out of nowhere I started to cry and mourn the loss of my M again. Came back to parent's house and slept some more. All in all not a good day but I will try and end it better. Trying to stay positive.
JimKao I feel for you as accepting she no longer wants to be with you is the hardest part...at least for me while i know some other guy is with her.
Anger, resentment are normal feelings. Wait until you feel hate! I go back n forth and then feel sad for her which my IC is trying to rid me off...says its not normal at this stage.
Don't worry about the crying. I do it alot and more in the past 6 months than in my entire life. You will have weeks where you will be all smiles!!!! Just keep thinking about the boys!
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
I have also felt hate! Gosh, it's not like I did not want to have a vibrant life also. But 5 small kids doesn't really allow that. So although she is blaming a lot of this stuff on me, I think she has some serious issues she has to deal with.
The difficult part for me now is I am sure the D will go through. I need to decide how long I will continue to DB afterwards.
Has there been a sitch where people have re-married?
Somehow I don't think I have a chance to do that with my STBX unless I move. But there is no way I am moving until she hits rock bottom and is willing to be transparent. If those things ever happen.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
Hi, Jim. I just wanted to stop by and say hello and give my support to you.
The waves of grief just seem to come out of nowhere and knock me down, too. Just let them come and let yourself feel the pain. Fighting back the emotion just makes it harder the next time. Every wave will get a little bit gentler if you let yourself feel it and then let it pass on through. You are going through something that is incredibly difficult and painful, and whatever you feel is completely normal.
(((Jim)))
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
So this morning I came home to get the boys to school. I asked STBX if she was OK because she has a doctor appointment tomorrow back in Toronto. She started to cry. I tried to empathize and told her I am here for her of she needs anything. She said she doesn't need anything from me.
Then she started to say that she is not trying to take the kids away from me. That I should move to Toronto and she said she was upset that I did not allow her to take them there this weekend.
I said this divorce is hurting the boys. She just continued with blaming me saying that she tried to be friends with me but I do not. I stated that we both made mistakes.
I cannot understand how she can separate the M from the boys.
She went back to saying that I knew what I was doing when I sold the house. I stated that she manipulated me thinking we were reconciling.
She still thinks she is going to change the nesting plan for the summer and is upset we are spending all this money. I told her this is on her and she did not care.
I asked why is it that we have to do everything that you want? Again no answer.
She stated she has been unhappy for a year and a half. She will never forgive me for filing first and to just accept things the way they are.
She has no regard for anything. How do I even build a friendship if I just agree to everything she says?
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
What a challenging sitch you have been dealing with.
Some thoughts if I may.
Your conversation with your stbx sounds to be focused on logic and facts as you see them. While this makes sense to you, understanding that it does not make sense to her makes the conversation un productive with her.
It's like arguing that the sky is blue when she truly sees it as purple. No amount of discussion nor details will change this for her. And more importantly, coming from you nothing you say will get past her walls. This is why valedation is key. Continue to learn and practice this, and you will be able to better move forward.
Understand that in her state of mind, no matter what you do it will be viewed poorly. Knowing this has helped me second guess my actions much less and be more confident in my decisions.
I hope you can make peace and joyful moments for yourself today. It is needed.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
I have validated past conversations and nothing works. She has coerced the boys to want to live with her. Especially S7. Today he gave me a 5 minute hug. When I asked him what was wrong he said he missed mom.
I told him that mommy and daddy love him. Her sense of enlightenment is ridiculous. The only thing we agree on is to let the judge and psychologist decide.
She said she has been done for a year and a half. Well then why adopt two more kids in that time frame.
I have talked with two ICs and two DB coaches. I get her perspective on things. Yes I am still struggling in accepting the M is over. Do I just need to fold on fighting for my rights just to build a friendship?
Am I the one that is the child because I can't let go?
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
Validation does not mean that you agree with her nor does it mean that you stop fighting for your rights.
It means that you do not try to get her to understand the logic of things. You will not convince her of anything.
You can validate while being honest and to the point on decisions that you make. You do not need to explain yourself or your reasons for your decisions.
Review validation information and hopefully it can become more clear for you as you work on it. The links in cadets homework are good for reviewing this.
You can do this, keep at it and work to detach. Validation is easier when we detach.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
I will continue to re-read the validation homework.
STBX made the statement that she would not stop me from moving with the boys to another state if I had a new job offer. Well then why is she fighting for custody?
It seems like all she is doing is reacting based on emotion and just wants out and the money.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
