Jjb, I thought I did a better job of acting as if in front of kid last year than this year. I don't know why but I just seem to have run out of adrenaline.
I guess I really have to do better for kid. I must have kid's back. I can't let her shoulder all this weight.
Your boy is really lovely. And so sweet. Glad that your H is being sensible in doing the right thing by your S.
I am still mulling over the issue of the joint counselling. I don't know how it'll go since it will be with his IC and my IC.
Jjb, your S is such a sweet boy. I am sure he'll like the idea of helping others.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Oh, Jks, I am not magnanimous. At all. I refused to meet OW for 2 years until I had to because ex was housebound after surgery. I almost did not let our daughter attend his wedding. I even said some not so positive things about OW around my D when she was very young. I was angry, hurt, and disgusted. Nothing would have made me happier than the two of them being miserable and cheating on eachother or leaving eachother.
But years passed. They were married, no one was going anywhere, and I said I could fight It forever, from a place of hurt and betrayal, or Ic ould just accept it. I didn't want my ex back for quite some time, but I was angry for all that was taken from our child and I. But in due time, I knew I had to let it go. Too much energy was spent on them. She was a part of my daughters life no matter what. So, I put my big girl panties on, she attended my daughters preschool graduation and we all went out to dinner after, with his family. And I was fine, to my surprise. She was the one who felt weird, actually. We all attend our daughters special events.
They have been married for five years. She is a part of my daughters life, and sadly enough, I would worry more if it was just ex and D, because I believe OW mediates some of ex's nutty behaviors. The last thing I want is for them to divorce. I thought it might be the greatest karma at one point. But then my daughter would have to experience their divorce and have a family ripped up and I don't want that for her. I wish to God some days my ex would have done this "right" and left me without an affair so I could really be able to embrace his new wife. I do it now with as much grace as possible, and think of only my daughter when I do. What she did will always linger, keeping us from having one of those stepparent relationships that are glorified. Our daughter is very very very emotionally intelligent and observant, so she needs to see there is no animosity there. She needs to feel comfortable around us.
I tell you all of this, because this is something that comes with time and is not always a linear path. Don't rush it.
You are an excellent momma who has your daughters best interest at heart. You are where you need to be, and I promise you, with time, this will heal.
At this point, you are way ahead of the game than I was.
This has been going well for me so far... But We haven't been through litigation yet, so I am obviously worried that things won't remain so. (Huge fear of him asking for 50/50)
BTW, my son is super precocious too! we refer to him as "deliciously naughty"
I think you are doing great for kid. We haven't been to joint counseling but I would think that it would be great to have a neutral person involved that can help explain to your husband and his family what is best for your daughter. it sounds like the third party will be beneficial to you.
Ginger, Hearing about your detachment and selflessness in the aftermath of infidelity is just so refreshing. It gives us all hope for a healthy future for our children.
Ginger, you're right. You're not magnanimous. You're beyond that!
I don't know if I can ever get there. Because of the TP'S backstabbing behaviour and how xh and her have vilified me in our common profession.
I have told xh and xfil that I will have nothing against xh's new wife if it's another woman.
TP is a scary woman. The games and tricks she has played to get what she wants are quite chilling. I do not trust her and her children around kid and I do not trust xh to stand up for kid. The only one who will look out for kid is probably xfil and xsil.
But I will cross that bridge when I have to.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
You are right JKSD. There is something seriously wrong with Anyone willing to get involved with someone that is married with children. I would feel the same way.
You have an amazingly strong bond with kid. You are the one she is going to model and trust and admire. I think your love for her will protect her from OW. Your sticking up for yourself , and enjoying life during times of stress will teach her how to do the same.
Thank you for your kind words. These boards and the kind people I have met and found here are at times the only reasons I still believe in myself and manage to keep myself going.
Like you, I find the world to be a scary place and some days, it is more than I can do to pull myself out of my bed and face a new day.
Am now mulling over first world problems such as how not to go broke trying to fix my new place. I just received a quotation on how much it will cost to do basic repairs and renovation and I think my heart just skipped a beat. I guess I will have to really pare down the repairs to the bare necessities and then slowly do up the place as and when my budget allows.
I guess I am lucky to have first-world problems. And like what tl2 said, at least my debt has a roof over it.
Was explaining to kid that I was busy with the new place. Told her that I was trying to pare things down to within budget. I didn't want to worry her too much so I started a song and dance about how everything was going to be fine. Kid joined in and we both had a good laugh.
I have kid and we love each other so much. At this very moment, life is good. And I am grateful.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Make sure you get more than one estimate. I remember at one time getting an estimate for a retaining wall in our back yard - the price was ridiculous, because basically, the guy was busy and the job was a little bit of a hassle and he just didn't want to be bothered. The next estimate came in less than half as much.
Hire a good contractor to do structural repairs. Cosmetic stuff you can probably learn to do yourself. I became pretty good at tile work myself in my younger days, out of necessity.
Hi kml, thanks for the advice. I have asked for 2 quotes and am waiting for the 2nd one to come in. I am thinking of asking for another 2 more quotes.
I am getting estimates for the remodeling of the bathrooms and the kitchen - hacking of existing tiles and retiling plus cabinetry. These rooms are in rather ghastly conditions and the pink floral tiles in the toilets just give me migraines. *shudder*
Wow, kml, you are something else! To me tiling counts as major work. We are not very good with diy home reno where I come from.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Chugging along on the reno works and trying to decide on a contractor soon. Trying to pare things down to the minimum and even then, the estimates are still beyond what I had expected.
Slowly filling up my and kid's calendar. I just love my friends for being there for us.
Exercise-wise, I have been slacking ever since I failed my skating test amd couldn't proceed to the next level. I promise myself that I will pick up my skates again in the next month.
My pending move has got me thinking about stuff. More specifically xh's stuff that I have at my place, and my stuff that is at xh's place.
I had already returned all the things that he had ever given me or bought me. I was insulted that he had told his family that I was always asking him to buy me stuff and so I returned 2 bags, the wedding ring and the engagement ring. Plus 2 sweaters and other random stuff.
At first I kept and used a very old pencil case of his. I convinced myself that it was a very useful case, even though it was terribly small and could only fit 2 pencils. I returned it to him after one of our many quarrels.
I still have with me some of his neck ties, including the ones he had worn for our wedding. I know I should return them to him. I can't bring myself to throw them away and I can't bring myself to return them to him face to face.
Maybe I will do the cowardly thing that he does and put them in kid's bag and hope that kid will remember to pass them to him or that he will notice. But that is so unfair to kid.
I guess I will just sit on them until I figure out what to do.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
we refer to him as "deliciously naughty"