Hi BluWave, Just finished reading all of your threads from beginning to end, looking for guidance and calm. Happy to hear you are doing so well and congrats on starting the watercolor hobby. I saw my H for the second time today since he left April 8. I've been a bit of a wreck for the past 6 hours. I made a fire, I read your posts, I took a bath but mostly I've been crying. Would really love your input on a couple things when you have time. having gone dark for so long and only communicated by email and then only seen each other twice, it's been easy to live in my head, my meditation and prayer, reading and listening to Marianne Williamson etc and living in a state of hope and I can do this...I am awesome, we love each other, he's insane and will come to his senses and it's only 6 weeks... But today I just felt a total loss of hope. We discussed the living on our property idea again. He's been looking for a place but hasn't found anything, and can't really afford it now. The first thing he said today was how we need to 'clarify what our relationship is' if we were to live on property together and if it would be possible to live near each other. I said I was thinking that I would love to rebuild our friendship - but he interrupted me mid sentence (after the word 'rebuild') and said he didn't want to rebuild our M. I said that's not what I was saying, I meant our friendship. Somehow at some point I don't know how the heck I got onto this topic but I said I was 'curious' how he could have sent me such a sweet message the Sunday before our big fight about coming to cuddle at nap time, but then LEFT me a few days later? This was my first serious screw up in terms of the DB rules. That IS R talk! He said he appreciated everything we had but..then he said 'I don't want to process'...and i said ok, we are not processing. At some point near that juncture he mentioned a big fight we had in Amstedam 6 years ago when he threatened to leave me (he was really depressed at that time) and said something to the effect that he warned me I was 'digging my grave' or putting a nail in the coffin of our R. Lovely. Since he has suffered from depression most of his life, has been better in last year, he does use pot to help his moods. I realized today that last week he was definitely stoned when we saw eachother and he was softer and more open. Today he was not stoned and was harder and colder. Last week he went on about this dream he'd always had of living on our property together in 'radical domesticity' but today he just seemed distant and hesitant. I do commend myself today for being cool, calm and collected, even though I said a couple things that weren't that helpful, but considering my track record thus far of no pursuing behaviors etc. I am doing ok I think. I just totally crashed once I got in the car to leave. Cried the whole drive home. Suddenly I felt like I was back at square one, day one. While I've been doing so much work on myself, seeing my IC and feeling stronger, I feel I've just lost my momentum. Nothing makes any sense, nothing feels like it has any meaning. I don't want to live my life without him really. Yes, he is being a jerk now, but that hasn't decreased my love. The thought of never going camping together, or to india together or never cuddling with him etc. tonight just hit me so hard. And he mentioned, not sure how this came about, that what if he started dating - I'm not looking but you would have to be prepared for that. WHAT ? and that I may want to date as well. DATE!???? you've got to be kidding. Last thing on my mind. Is this a way to try to push me away further? And when he talked about the 'friends' thing and then said - 'well you're still wearing your wedding ring' In what part of his fogged up mind would he think that because he left ME that I would just take off my wedding ring? I am so confused and angry and sad. It's exhausting. The worst of today is I ended up feeling like this is all my fault, that I dropped the ball and that if I'd done ? right he wouldn't have left...I know intellectually this isn't true, but I can't help going back to that week and thinking if only... this or that, and we hadn't had that fight then he'd still be here. I take the vows I made seriously and now feel like he obviously doesn't. it's so frustrating as this is a man that works in the caring professions as a mental health nurse and everyone in town thinks he is SOOOOOOOOO wonderful. They don't see the side that isn't. I did also ask him that I would appreciate if he respects my privacy and not talk about our situation unless necessary for his own mental health to random people. We live in a very small town. THat was a big deal for me as I'm not used to asking for those kinds of boundaries. I know I just need to get some sleep and tomorrow will be a better day. But I do feel if I can't hold the vision of the person I want to be along with the vision of our M working out, I just feel lost. I find it too difficult to believe that this person with such a big heart and so much love for me so recently could be like this suddenly. I keep seeing all the gifts he's given me over the years, he's an awesome gift giver, clothes etc. and just feel like a failure, like I totally screwed up the best thing that ever happened to me. Don't know where to go from here. I haven't given up. Thanks for all your awesome posts and inspiration for all of us here in the dark.
